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Sondil
July 19th, 2010, 12:12 PM
( New to these forums, and I recently wrote a poem for my girlfriend. I would like the opinions of some people on the quality of my work. :) )

Ever since the days when I was young,
The taste of sorrow grew quite heavy upon my tongue.

From the dark cast clouds of despair,
My gaze to heaven never once looked fair.

For years this torment carried on,
And at the hands of pain and rage I was little else but a pawn.

As fate would change, and carry me on,
It was her over who I was destined to fawn.

It would seem now that I have been blessed with an angel,
One that I dare say I long to, and covet to cradle.

And now my gaze falls upon heaven, I see only skies of blue.

This reassures me that, I know that,
I love you.

rainhands
July 19th, 2010, 10:44 PM
... but she's probably the only person who will. As a piece of poetry, there's forced rhyme, rhyme without meter, and twisted syntax to boot. It's near on impossible to critique, because it's meant for one pair of eyes only, but if you're asking for a stranger's opinion on the quality of it, then I'd advise setting it aside and reading a lot of contemporary poetry if you want to write for a larger audience. Welcome and I hope she likes/d it, since that's all that really matters with this one. :)

-R