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musicdrawnincolors
July 14th, 2010, 09:52 PM
I'm sorry
I tried,
I really did,
but the best was never enough.
I tried to fit your expectations,
but they were set too high.
Then SHE came.
the perfect daughter.
the girl who has yet to have her come-uppance.
the girl that you had always dreame for.
The girly-girl you can dress up.
the daughter who will show her feelings.
The naive one that believes you.
and, now that i've seen how you've
shoved me aside,
used me as a maid,
I know believe she deserves it,
the witch,
and i'm
not
sorry.

SilverMoon
July 15th, 2010, 12:51 AM
Welcome, Music! I'm sure you'll enjoy the WF experience. Good people to hang out with and insightful feedback on work.

Firstly, your writing is very clean, even when describing a broken heart. I find this style to be unique and very appealing. You're not bleeding on paper. Yet your feelings "do" get through powerfully.

I wonder about the "new" girl. Could she be a younger sister, step daughter? Leaving us with questions like this is an indication of a good poem.

In the end we get the kicker and I personally love to end my poems with one, too.

I know believe she deserves it, deserves what, I say fascinated.
the witch,
and i'm
not
sorry.


An excellent "debut" poem!


Would love to hear back from you and get that question answered! And a pointer, to give you the heads up. The more you respond to others poems the more likely they are going to respond to yous. I've found this to be very true. Laurie

Gumby
July 15th, 2010, 02:06 AM
Firstly, welcome music!

I agree with Laurie, your style is very clean, not full of unnecessary words. This is a good style to stick with. It is always good to be able to say what you feel with an economy of words.

This feels very much like a young person's poem and I see that you are indeed young on your profile page. I think it's very good for you to get your feelings out in poetry like this. Life is certainly full of problems and poetry can really help you work through some of them. I look forward to reading more from you, you are off to a good start! Keep it up! :)