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MeeQ
July 14th, 2010, 12:27 AM
People say Iím pigeon holed,
mentality:
quite bore.

No aspect of freedom -
another creepy,
corporate whore.

Let us break the wall, hmm?
A reality
can bite.

Self indulgent insomnia -
lonely,
sleepless night.

But tis a question in a question;
hypocrisy versus idiocy.

Tricky, oh tricky.
See what I do?
Of course you do not,
itís part of their coup.

Edgewise
July 14th, 2010, 05:19 AM
Reminds me of punk rock, sans Chuck Berry riffs and buzzsaws. This has attitude. Snide, sneering, jeering, accusative...attitude, and bouncily energetic to boot. Also rabid and paranoid. This is a distinct style. Familiar subject (identity, I think), different approach. I only tripped over one stanza:

But tis a question in a question;
hypocrisy versus idiocy.

1. You don't pose the question.
2. Hypocrisy and idiocy have something to do with it, somewhere in the opposition you posit, but otherwise it's vague.
3. The way it is phrased breaks the flow of the entire piece. Every stanza fits, in one way or another, comfortably in relation to the others. This one doesn't.

Cool stuff.

MeeQ
July 14th, 2010, 06:54 AM
Reminds me of punk rock, sans Chuck Berry riffs and buzzsaws. This has attitude. Snide, sneering, jeering, accusative...attitude, and bouncily energetic to boot. Also rabid and paranoid.You make my mind weep with joy.

As for your suggestions... I too found that stanza, uncomfortable. But I felt no other way to really disjoint the emotional deterrent I was trying to pursue.
Thank you kindly once more. I shall take this back to the drawing board, and see what one lonely night can muster in change and improvement.

SilverMoon
July 14th, 2010, 12:08 PM
MeeQ, something's gone wrong with my quote box so this will have to do in the meantime.


But tis a question in a question; I agree with Edgewise. Not necessary.
hypocrisy versus idiocy.

Tricky, oh tricky. Remarkable. No matter what you have to do with the above keep this, connected.
See what I do?
Of course you do not,
it’s part of their coup.

Let us break the wall, hmm? My favorite stanza. Don't touch it!!!
A reality
can bite.


A really fine piece of work and sorry for being so bossy! Peace, Laurie

Gumby
July 14th, 2010, 02:23 PM
This is good stuff MeeQ, I think you sell yourself way short when you assess your poetry. These are my favorites:


Let us break the wall, hmm?
A reality
can bite.



Tricky, oh tricky.
See what I do?
Of course you do not,
it’s part of their coup.

MeeQ
July 14th, 2010, 11:23 PM
I'm glad you enjoyed it for the most part Laurie> The slightly higgledy piggledy "idiocy" line will change with an umcoming revision. Always fond to see a friendly face.

I appreciate the read Gumby. Considering your work has become nothing short of wonderful, it's quite the honour.
Selling my self short, it's a bad habit. I'd prefer however to be sold short, rather than not at all.