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Baron
July 11th, 2010, 03:40 PM
Babylon

SilverMoon
July 11th, 2010, 04:20 PM
Rob, I can sum up the poem's atmosphere as a triumph of "exquisite darkenss". A winning poem. Compassion for Bablyon or general desecrations come through and through a smooth and easy read, peeking great interest. What was once known as being tangible and beautiful has reached demise. I don't know how you manage to turn death into such a beautiful thing...

Some of my favorites:

the moon declined
to share its light in crumbling ruins

The gold all thought could never rust
got blown upon the wind,

Only jackals, snakes and owls
disturb the stillness and the howls
cry out the mournful news

I'm wondering if you need "it" in this context.

as dust
which rains upon the memory
of what once was, to bury it
beneath
its troubled history.

A beautiful poem which is very reaching. Laurie

Gumby
July 12th, 2010, 02:24 AM
I think I would recognize your work anywhere. :) Another insightful and beautiful poem, as Laurie has said, but for me it also feels very sad.

MeeQ
July 12th, 2010, 03:02 AM
Laughter’s echo died; the moon declined A favourite line, and a great start to this simply epic ballad.



Only jackals, snakes and owls
disturb the stillness and the howls


I only wish I could have mustered up a line for my own personal collection. The image and musical background this seeps into the reader's mind is simply exquisite.



of what was, to bury it
beneath
its troubled history.


This could easily be just me, and my lack of rhyme or reason. I faltered here, like a miss-step. Only small, but after re-reading I still find myself stumbling. Apologies now, for I cannot seem to quite figure out why or what needs to change.


Overall: A triumph; I do believe previously stated. A marvel at the human glimpse. My simple grasp of the English language does no justice to describe this.

I only hope my clumsy attempt at envy suits?

Baron
July 12th, 2010, 06:27 PM
Thanks for the feedback, everyone.

Laurie, I appreciate your suggestion but the removal of that "it" would cause the loss of a beat as well as creating a grammatical problem.

MeeQ, I think it's the fact that I chose a slant rhyme rather than a direct one that may cause you to stumble there. I'll give some thought to that.

MeeQ
July 13th, 2010, 03:15 AM
Considering it's but the smallest of nit pick, you could probably just ignore me. Once again, a superb example of literature.

Baron
July 13th, 2010, 08:28 PM
Considering it's but the smallest of nit pick, you could probably just ignore me. Once again, a superb example of literature.
Thanks for that.

Chesters Daughter
July 13th, 2010, 08:45 PM
Your choice of breaks and punctuation have served you quite well, sir, absolutely fabulous. I adore the final stanza as a whole, but the first two lines are my favorites, and I see I am in good company. This is probably just me, but the pause of the comma after wind keeps throwing me. I immediately want to read as dust and I lose the flow for a moment. Again, probably just me. This piece kept the wheels spinning long after lights out last night. Moving and quite the stuff of nightmares thanks to your superb imagery. Excellent work, Rob, thank you for sharing this one.

Baron
July 14th, 2010, 05:06 AM
Good to hear from you, Lisa. Thanks for taking the time. I'll give some thought to that comma.

huni
July 15th, 2010, 04:45 AM
Excellent - especially the internal rhyme sounds (e.g. died - declined) and the music it has. You have a wonderful rich subject that a reader can input their own understanding and feelings. My only nit is the 2nd line 1st st. It catches me and stops the flow - just grammar I think, because I know what you mean. Lovely one Baron - just as I remember! huni

by the way (it's been awhile!) what is a slant rhyme, did I forget or never knew?

Baron
July 15th, 2010, 05:18 PM
Hi, huni. It's good to see your username appearing on these pages again. Thanks for taking the time to read this one and comment. I don't see the grammatical issue in that line, "nor did the written word illuminate the searching mind.". Perhaps a semi-colon rather than a comma after "heard" might make it clearer.

Slant rhyme is a half rhyme or an imperfect rhyme.

huni
July 16th, 2010, 02:10 AM
ah Baron I'm an idiot. It's the dyscalcular!!! i meant line 1 2nd st. I am reading that no thought could rust gold. Of everything I've read lately yours made me want to write again. h

Baron
July 16th, 2010, 02:38 AM
I see where the ambiguity could come in there. I've made a slight change to clarify that line a little.

If I inspire you to write again then I take that as the greatest compliment anyone could possibly pay.

SilverMoon
July 16th, 2010, 03:49 PM
'Of everything I've read lately yours made me want to write again." (huni)

Rob, Isn't that just music to any writers ears! Laurie

NathanBrazil
July 16th, 2010, 06:45 PM
Baron- Don't have much to add. Wonderful rhythm and flow. Also feel that same sadness that Gumby picked up. And I realize how far I'd have to go to reach your level.

Baron
July 20th, 2010, 04:40 AM
Thanks for the feedback, guys.

32rosie
July 20th, 2010, 05:22 AM
Wow. I've never been a huge fan of poetry, but I certainly am now. You paint a beautiful picture.

Baron
July 21st, 2010, 01:10 PM
Wow. I've never been a huge fan of poetry, but I certainly am now. You paint a beautiful picture.

Appreciated. Thanks.