PDA

View Full Version : G'night & G'morn



MeeQ
July 4th, 2010, 01:40 PM
Creep,
just sound
Tick Tick Tock.
Thunderclap music

Bam


Peer through window,
stalking
the light.
Pike off and wither,
no luck, just fright

Pathetic,
an attempt
To push away the morn.
Pathetic tis sympathetic.

Fall fall fall.


Tisk tisk

Rising or shining,
both hold the fall.
Rising and smiling,
is an obvious, too obvious


Anti-climatic bore.

SilverMoon
July 4th, 2010, 04:30 PM
MeeQ, an intriguing work! I gather that you're describing the futility of dark encroaching on light.

Thundering music.............

Bam

Pathetic,
an attempt
To push away the morn.

Your ending is stupendous! I loved the double entendre and also a great pun.

Rising and smiling,
is an obvious, too obvious

Anti-climatic bore

Both you and Ilisar have to hang out here more often! Laurie

MeeQ
July 5th, 2010, 01:02 AM
You bring a childish grin to this watery soldier's face. Thankyou, sincerely.
I am pathetically glad you enjoyed it, and found the general and cliché idea easy to follow; especially considering this is far from my usual norm.

And do not fret your no doubt pretty little face, I shall be here more often than not; Reading more often that god.

SilverMoon
July 5th, 2010, 01:23 AM
I'll take that as a promise! We're greedy, here. Want all the fresh talent we can get! Laurie

MeeQ
July 5th, 2010, 02:05 AM
Greed is but one of my many hidden talents. Writing however, is not.

But I appreciate the sympathy. And for such I ask you a favour; send me your favourite piece, completely up to your digression of course.
As now I ask permission to use whatever it's foundation is, as the base for my next poem. (A challenge worthy I find, as my style vastly differs from yours, which is a fantastic thing. Considering how rubbish some of my words can be)

My imagination is slowly being abolished by corporate realism. This shall be my cure.

P.S Do not feel obligated, but consider this a favour that would be vastly repaid.

SilverMoon
July 5th, 2010, 11:20 AM
MeeQ, Thank you for the compliment and will PM you. Laurie

Gumby
July 6th, 2010, 06:17 PM
Rising or shining,
both hold the fall.
Rising and smiling,
is an obvious, too obvious


Anti-climatic bore.

Loved this ending, very unexpected to me. :)

vangoghsear
July 6th, 2010, 10:15 PM
Creeping,
just sound
Tick Tick Tock.
Thundering music
Darn clock radios. :mad:

I liked this. It's me every morning. I like the brevity of the style.

I think it could benefit from some slight revisions to help the mood.


Creeps,
just sound
Tick Tick Tock.
music thunders

In these short lined pieces each word is important to mood and flow. The ing sound especially in "creeping" stops the reader, while an s at the end slips silently into "just sound." The ing in thundering is okay, but ending the line in "music" again stops us short of "Bam." Although "thundering music" is not too bad as is.

I'd probably just cut the ing's from peering and stalking as well because then you can hear the rhyme between light and fright better (IMO).


Peer through the window,
stalk
The light.
Pike off and wither,
no luck, just fright


Just suggestions. It's not bad at all as is.

MeeQ
July 7th, 2010, 12:53 AM
Your compliments are noted and accepted Gumby, too many thanks to write.

VGE, I agree on almost all fronts you put forth. And you experience is highly regarded and appreciated. There are a few lines I have already decided to manipulate; half of your suggestions shall be implemented.
Again, you have my thanks for taking the time to dissect this. mhm mhm.

MeeQ
July 7th, 2010, 01:03 AM
Revised