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jackmack
June 30th, 2010, 10:06 PM
Catching the jagged eye
of neon night
I stumble home
furrows etched
on my mortality's watermark.

The sounds of drunkards
fill the air
Their whiskey sodden pains
scribe songs and
melancholy lullabies.

Dublin with fires burning
chokes the easy breath
and leaves a charred tint
where the coals once chattered.

Two worlds
one city
blessings for some
for the others
Pity.

SilverMoon
June 30th, 2010, 10:52 PM
jackmack, Welcome! Your poem: With use of economy of words you managed to create a small villiage or town where I can almost see a street light shining on a sot or two! Then I discover Dublin.

Succinct, yet again, you bring a big picture to mind. The fires. "chokes the easy breath" I like the polor opposite, here. And a fine anthropormorphism, giving human quality to an inanimate object. In this case, the fire.

Dublin with fires burning
chokes the easy breath

As endings should be. Very powerful! I imagine the two worlds you speak of is one of the world of the drunkard and then the world of one who chooses to see life through clear eyes.

Two worlds
one city
blessings for some
for the others
Pity.

I envision your first stanza as two. Just an idea and I hope you don't mind my fiddling here! I think this might read more impactfully. Something along this line and given thought throughout. All entirely up to you. Edit or no edit, I loved it!

You've got some talent here, sir. Hope to read more. Laurie


Catching
the jagged eye
of neon night,
I stumble home, furrows etched
on my mortalities watermark.

The sounds of drunkards
fill the air.
Their whiskey sodden pains
scribe songs and
melancholy lullabies.

Reese
July 1st, 2010, 01:51 AM
"i stumble home, furrows etched on my mortalities watermark."

You need to clarify this line.

"Two worlds
one city
blessings for some
for the others
Pity."

What two worlds? You didn't really tell me what this other half of life is like.

vangoghsear
July 1st, 2010, 03:43 PM
Hi, I see you only have a few posts, so first of all welcome.

I like the poem, but I have a few suggestions.

Using a lowercase "i" is okay in poetry, but in this case I don't think it works. Mainly because it only happens once and you have used capitals other places in the poem, so it just comes off as a mistake.

The word "mortalities" should probably be the possessive form "mortality's" since it follows "my."



Catching the jagged eye of neon night
i stumble home, furrows etched on my mortalities watermark.
The sounds of drunkards fill the air
their whiskey sodden pains
scribe songs and melancholy lullabies

Chesters Daughter
July 2nd, 2010, 11:22 PM
I also like this piece, very much so, in fact. I agree with Laurie regarding S1, but even if you prefer not to break it into two, I suggest you break L2 after etched. It is literally sticking out like a sore thumb and is visually displeasing. Van is right on both counts of i and mortality's. As to punctuation, you use some commas, yet omit others. Perhaps it would be better to abandon it entirely and let the breaks do the work. Aside from those little technical nits, this a great piece. Welcome, jackmack, I hope to see more from you soon.

Best,
Lisa

jackmack
July 3rd, 2010, 06:26 PM
Thanks everyone for your welcome's and constructive criticism. Laurie and Van, i think your right about the structure and grammar,so i tweaked it a bit like you suggested.

Thanks again.

SilverMoon
July 3rd, 2010, 07:25 PM
A great edit, jack. And love your avatar! Laurie

Gumby
July 7th, 2010, 06:31 PM
Hi jackmack, welcome to the forum!

I truly enjoyed this, and as I'm late to the party, I can only say that your edit was good and based on some very sound advice from knowledgeable people. Good poem! :)