PDA

View Full Version : Untouchable



Nellie
June 30th, 2010, 02:02 PM
Gasping, the crowd gazes,
seeing scalded skin,
once soft as velvet and so fair
now, rough as sand paper.

They whisper scathing remarks,
pretending not to hear
I turn facing them, smiling
with a crippled heart.

From riches to rags,
health to near death,
off with the label
"It's all in her head!"

Stigmatized untouchable
life is my primordial sin,
tragedy my destiny.
Let what will be,
Be.

SilverMoon
June 30th, 2010, 02:32 PM
Nellie, Since I know the history of this poem, I'm going to try to stand back and be the strong objective observer.

Here is a woman with some kind of affliction recalling the days when her skin was
once soft as velvet and so fair

It always seem that people want to see "perfect". These superficial persons who don't realize the beauty within a person which is what counts the most.

And, here, your forebearance shows, and that you're class act...
I turn facing them, smiling

I love your turn of words here!
From riches to rags

Your last stanza is great. I hope you don't mind if I make a suggestion:

Stigmatized,
untouchable
Life is my
primordial sin.

Tragedy, my destiny.
Let what will be,
Be...

Nelly, thank you for this poem. It's a poem all people need to read. Laurie

vangoghsear
June 30th, 2010, 03:34 PM
Powerful piece Nellie. I just have a few points to aid the flow and readability. There are a lot of "ing's" in the piece. These tend to break flow.

Gasping, the crowd gazes, (Could be rewritten as "The crowd gasps, gazes", but it reads strong as is.)
sees scalded skin,
once soft as velvet, so fair (replacing the and with a comma lets the "so fair" take on multiple meanings.)
now, rough as sand paper.

They whisper scathing remarks,
pretend(ing) not to hear
I (turn) face them and smile ("turn" could be removed, I think)
with a crippled heart.



Just suggestions. I like it as is.

B.Mac
June 30th, 2010, 03:52 PM
change nothing, prodigious piece!!!

Nellie
June 30th, 2010, 07:40 PM
Thank you Laurie and Vangohsear for you great suggestions. I knew there were to many "ings" and I took your advice.

Here is the re-write:

Gasping, the crowd gazes
sees scalded skin,
once soft as velvet, so fair,
now, rough like sand paper.

They whisper scathing remarks,
pretending not to hear,
I face them and smile
with a crippled heart.

From riches to rags,
health to near death,
off with the label
"It's all in her head!"

Stigmatized untouchable.
Life is my
primordial sin.

Tragedy, my destiny.
Let what will be,
Be.

vangoghsear
June 30th, 2010, 07:52 PM
I also wanted to say, I really like the way this stanza almost reads like a variation of Alice in Wonderland's "Off with her head."


From riches to rags,
health to near death,
off with the label
"It's all in her head!"

I like the rewrite, but I also liked the original.

Nellie
June 30th, 2010, 08:23 PM
;) Thanks, Vangohsear.

SilverMoon
June 30th, 2010, 08:33 PM
A great edit, Nelly. I liked "It's all in her head" or.."off with her head!" ;) Laurie

Nellie
June 30th, 2010, 09:14 PM
Thanks, Laurie..... now.. off with our heads!! ;)

Reese
July 1st, 2010, 01:45 AM
"life is my primordial sin,
tragedy my destiny."

I like your resolutness.

"Let what will be,
Be."

"I turn facing them, smiling
with a crippled heart."

Very straightforward. I like it.

I'd like to hear more.

Chesters Daughter
July 2nd, 2010, 11:02 PM
This, in a word, is excellent, Cindy. I agree it's better without the "ings". I bow down to your ability of brevity while saying so much, something I am completely incapable of. I adore the courage of the final lines. Kudos, love, for a very fine piece.

Nellie
July 5th, 2010, 02:48 PM
Lisa, Such kind words from you. Thank you.
Cindy

Gumby
July 6th, 2010, 06:06 PM
A beautiful and moving piece, Cindy. Very powerful. I truly enjoyed. :)