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un named
June 25th, 2010, 02:17 AM
Somedays like today
I can't fight the tears
when society tells me
I'm all wrong
When my friends
are all gone
And his face is stuck
in my head all over again
when sex is just a game
and I realize I've been played.
When my past catches up with me
and everythings goes wrong
Somedays like today
I don't want to go on
I don't want to look in the mirror
or face the world
but I wipe the tears away and
pray to a god I don't believe in
that things don't stay this way.

SilverMoon
June 25th, 2010, 11:52 AM
un named, So soon you're showing your hallmark style. The ability to get us into your head. Now, when I say your writing is "raw" this is a great compliment. This was once told to me by professor. You don't dance around your issues.You're very much there for us. Engaging us and bringing us into your world. This is a great poem but I particularly like your last stanza. After sharing your grief you come out strong in the end e.g.

but I wipe the tears away and
pray to a god I don't believe in
that things don't stay this way
Very powerful and optomistic!

I enjoyed this poem greatly! Laurie

Chesters Daughter
June 25th, 2010, 09:46 PM
You've obviously been through a bad breakup. I'm sorry for your pain, but please know it will get better, been there, done that, got the T-shirt. As to the actual piece, it is a little light on imagery, but your state of mind shines through, which is always a good thing. Both caps and punctuation would benefit from some tweaking, and everythings should be everything. Since the piece is so personal, I really don't want to fiddle with it. I particularly liked "When sex is just a game, and I realize I've been played.", as well as those last three lines which speak volumes. Good piece, un named, and before I forget, welcome to the forum.

Best,
Lisa

vangoghsear
June 25th, 2010, 10:11 PM
I agree with Chestersdaughter's assessment right down to the lines she quoted "When sex is just a game, and I realize I've been played," being her favorites. I also like the tag line "Somedays like today" and the fact you only used it a couple of times. I think that was just right.

There are opportunities to turn some common phrases into unique imagery and help this gain power. For instance:


And his face is stuck
in my head all over againThink of an original way of putting this phrase that makes us see the level to which this has happened. Something like:


his image feels like it's
tattooed inside my eyes

We can see in that statement the pain, the longing, the idea that it won't fade...show us your pain.