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Robert
June 23rd, 2010, 12:08 PM
Her soul slowly peels away from mine
like a large strip of Velcro
each snap and pop of the separating fabrics
drawing blood in fine droplets….

Each droplet of blood a precious memory
that once bound our hearts as one
the droplets of life once woven as threads
that knit our souls together in a
tapestry of joy and love.

The separating threads now
tear cruelly at the life of the entwined soul
in confusion randomly dividing
leaving neither one whole
exposing the scars and the tears
of the oneness of “Love”.

SilverMoon
June 23rd, 2010, 04:37 PM
Her soul slowly peels away from mine
like a large strip of VelcroWay to go, Robert! Your opening lines are a "grabber". "like a large strip of Velcro" Extreemely inventive and I can almost hear the sound of the peeling. And feel it.


droplets of life once woven as threads
that knit our souls together in a
tapestry of joy and love
A beauty. You're showing very well not telling.


of the oneness if “Love”
Do you mean to say "of" Love?

A great job! Laurie

Foxryder
June 24th, 2010, 05:43 PM
Wow! Are you an artist, Rob? I ask because I am an artist. Look at the way you invoked the word 'tapestry'... it was simply brilliant. Like Laurie rightly put it, what a way to go friend! The imagery of the painful separation was well-defined.

Great work, bro.

Chesters Daughter
June 24th, 2010, 08:23 PM
Kudos for the originality of using Velcro. I, also, enjoyed this piece but have a few suggestions. In S1, I think fibers would work better than fabrics, I'd remove the "the" preceding separating and an ellipsis only has three dots (sorry, I'm a reluctant pedant:D). In S2, L1, of blood is unnecessary, we already know that from the preceding line. In L3, I would drop "the droplets of" (the use of droplets thrice in four lines is too repetitive) and start with life. In S3, L2, I would remove "the life of the" so the line reads " tear cruelly at entwined soul(s) (you missed the s) for the sake of economy. Since you're using periods, a few commas are in order, or nix the punctuation altogether.

This is a well written piece so please don't take my nitpicking as an insult. Anyone here will tell you I only nitpick when I truly enjoy a piece.

Best,
Lisa