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eatkhash
June 21st, 2010, 02:26 AM
Give me fetters!
So I can, again
give in to you.
Numb me.
Till the memory,
dull and heavy,
No longer bears down upon me.
And I, voluntarily,
Laying as her body did,
To him willingly,
Drift away.

SilverMoon
June 22nd, 2010, 12:04 AM
Hi, eatkhash. Welome aboard! A very fine poem here with great potential. What we suggest here, for easier reading, is to cap only the initial letter of the first word in the begining of each stanza and leave the rest lower case.

A few suggestions you might want to consider.

I think you might consider changing "Fetters" to "foot shackles" Would really "hit" the reader. Something along those lines.


Numb me. How bout "Numb me" with what? A little imagery.

Till the memory. Give us the "memory" of something so we can relate to or interpret.

Drift away I think you need an "I" here. "I drift away"

A good poem with a little tweeking needed. Thank you for sharing. A good read! Laurie

paintedglasses
June 22nd, 2010, 05:25 PM
Every suggestion they just made was awful. Don't do it.

Lady S
June 22nd, 2010, 07:24 PM
This is interesting. I would suggest breaking it into small stanzas and working on the punctuation or removing it altogether to just rely on the enjambment. As it stand the improper use of punctuation just makes the poem jolt instead of flow.