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SilverMoon
June 16th, 2010, 12:01 AM
Ulysses is not for sissies,
it was just an appetizer for him.
my lover of six months, seven days and thirty three minutes.
Shit! When will I shatter this Swiss watch?

I feel like an Idiot and think of Dostoevsky,
instantly escaping sentiment.
my famous way which works for a couple of ticks
Remembering him on Episode 7, Aeolus,
toking on pot by potbelly stove's glow,
two smolderings having sex.

Snow, white pixels in the sky;
coming down hard as rain.
His tow haired boy wants out
and into Callicoon.

We kick snow down a grating,
he, looking brilliantly bored like his father.

I say “Hey?
Maybe it’s snowing because
two people Upstairs
are kicking their own blizzard
down on us
through their own grating?

From that place where your father
insits doesn't exist.

His eyes wake
from daddy’s harpsichord nights
where he makes Bach his God,
then red wine and talk of Bergman films,
His nursery.

Sun runs towards cabin
“Hey Dad, guess what?!

That night he said he had a cold,
but it was all about the shoulder.

Foxryder
June 17th, 2010, 08:04 AM
This is kinda abstract. I read the poem a couple of times to pin some explainations to it even though I may finally be wrong. The poem has a subtle message I intend to understand.

I thought of a child who was trying to imitate his father while the persona narrated the poem.

"Sun runs towards cabin." Please where you referring to 'Son' instead?

Reese
June 17th, 2010, 08:52 AM
I read this as the son trying to get his father to pay attention to him.

But the mother identified with her son (as all mothers do). ;) She wanted to protect him. But somehow...she felt helpless...

SilverMoon
June 17th, 2010, 02:40 PM
Hi Foxrydr and Reese, Thank you for your questions. It's causing me to consider making a few changes.

Here's the story. A young woman goes on weekend vacation with her "boyfriend"
my lover of six months, seven days and thirty three minutes

The boyfriend is an intellectual (note: "Ulysses" by James Joyce is one of the most difficult books to read.)
Ulysses is not for sissies.
it was just an appetizer for him

The girlfriend took his boy out to play in the snow in upstate Callicoon, New York,
and uses her imagination to amuse the boy and references heaven. (It's often assumed that intellectuals are athiests.) She makes the idea of Heaven a playful place for him.

I say “Hey?
Maybe it’s snowing because
two people Upstairs
are kicking their own blizzard
down on us
through their grating?

From that place where your father
taught you there was no heaven."


The son-sun (you're both right) rushes..Sunny because he's heard something new. No more atheism or serious instructions. I want the reader to assume he "tells" his father of the magical
Sun runs towards cabin
“Hey Dad, guess what?!

The girlfriend wants to make love that evening but boyfriend claims to have a cold. He gives her the cold shoulder.
That night he said he had a cold.
but it was all about the shoulder.

Now, I see where this can very abstract if you're not familiar with Dostoevsky's book titled "The Idiot"
I feel like an Idiot and think of Dostoevsky

This is a true story. Ha! I have never given such a long reply! But have been more than happy to clear up your questions and thank you for giving my piece such thought. Laurie

Foxryder
June 17th, 2010, 10:43 PM
Ho-ho, Laurie. You were gracious with your explanation. I appreciate your kind effort.

Well, Dostoevsky sounds Russian to me. Googling it up could help.

Thanks for sharing. The poem surely holds a stream of natural emotions.

SilverMoon
June 18th, 2010, 02:47 PM
You're welcome. No problem! Here's a link which should give you some pretty good information.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fyodor_Dostoyevsky

Foxryder
June 18th, 2010, 03:52 PM
Hey, that was big! Lol. I observed the guy was really an optimistic person who was never deterred by serving time in jail. He went on to write books instead.

You are such a darling, Laurie.

SilverMoon
June 18th, 2010, 04:14 PM
And he had Epilepsy, as I do. In "The Idiot" his protagonist had E. So many writers like Lewis Carroll were inflicted with the condition. You'd think by now it wouldn't be so stigmatized.

Yes. Wiki gives allot of information!

Chesters Daughter
June 24th, 2010, 08:45 PM
Forgive me, Laurie, for I have sinned. It took me forever to get here, I apologize. This is another one of those haunting pieces that won't leave me alone which you are such an expert at creating. I love this piece, but hate what it's imparting. I was blown away by S2 as well as the "nursery" description, and two last two lines are nothing less than brilliant. Truly to die for, hon.:D A few suggestions, read through and check your caps and punctuation, some periods need to be changed to commas or caps need to be added. L2 in S1 could use either a but or a yet at its beginning, it seems awkward as is.

From that place where your father
taught you there was no heaven. - No need to mention heaven as the capitalized Upstairs from the previous stanza lets us know that. May I suggest:

From that place your father
insists doesn't exist. (Okay, this isn't great, but you get the gist, I'm sure you'll come up with something far better.)

This broke my heart, my love, which is always an indication that the verse in question is well wrought. Fine job. Oh, almost forgot, loved the use of "Sun".:wink:

SilverMoon
June 24th, 2010, 09:30 PM
Lisa, always glad you like my "haunts"! Some periods said goodbye while the commas said hello. Thanks. You know that's my problem area.

I'm going to take it!
insists doesn't exist Brilliant and the ryhming works perfectly. A kind of suble thing.

As always, your advice is invaluable! Laurie :wink: