View Full Version : new flavour

You Wont Know Me
June 11th, 2010, 01:11 PM
she's like hot chocolate
on a breezy winter's night

every sip spiraling you
with sensations of pleasure
warmth chasing away
shivers of cold

until you grow accustomed
and the taste blends dull
and the hot chocolate
isn't so hot anymore.

June 12th, 2010, 08:07 AM
"spiraling you" -I'm not loving this as a verb.

"shivers of cold" -I'd add 'the' before shivers, but that's just me. This part still works.

I think you should maybe punctuate a little more, but i think this is a good poem. I think you can say a lot in just 10 lines :)

June 12th, 2010, 10:30 AM
YWKM, a good poem with a couple of suggestions.

on a breezy winter's night
It may be just me but when I think of "brezzy" I think of Fall.
How about something like "on a "wind whipped" winter's night. And you get yourself a good alliteration here.

every sip spiraling you
with sensations of pleasure
I don't want you to loose your wonderful allteration here so I was thinking
spinning. Spiraling - seems a bit awkard in this context.

Enjoyed the read! Laurie

June 12th, 2010, 02:22 PM
First of all, I really do like this. I like the movement from hot to cold and the metaphor works very well.

A few words are not quite right, but not bad, such as breezy although it is really not bad because I agree that at that point in the poem, a modifier for Winter wants to be a pleasant one; perhaps "blustery" it's a bit more Wintery, yet still pleasant. And I agree that "spiraling" may not work in the context where you have it, also it ends in "ing" which is just such a rough sound; it didn't really bother me until others have pointed it out though. I know you do still want an "s" word there. What if you just changed it to something like "spirals through you" and I think you need a comma after pleasure S2L2. It would read like this:

every sip spirals through you
with sensations of pleasure,
warmth chasing away
shivers of cold

You Wont Know Me
July 11th, 2010, 09:18 PM
Hey there everyone! Sorry I haven't been on for a while - I took a holiday and when I got back logging-in procrastination kicked in, but now I've finally kicked it so I think we're even. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who gave me critique on the poems I wrote. It really helped and meant a lot.

Hmm I just keep thinking spiraling out of control, but I suppose that phrase doesn't come across without the rest of the words.

If 'breezy' doesn't make sense then I suppose I'd go with something simple like 'snowy'. It makes me feel relaxed and comforted, while still connoting cold.