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Kat
June 10th, 2010, 04:28 AM
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Foxryder
June 10th, 2010, 06:54 AM
As I read your poem, Kat, the Yin Yang came to mind. I enjoyed the distinctivity yet need to have the other in a certain way (I don't need you to be whole). But I may finally be wrong in my assessment. Overall, I like it.

Here is my fav:

"I'm One - unto myself
Not meant for your pleasure,
Or pain"

Just a few questions: why did you choose to capitalise 'O' in 'one'? Where you trying to confer supremacy to the persona in the poem?

Also, did you capitalise the first letter of each line on purpose?

MaggieG
June 10th, 2010, 12:16 PM
As far as content goes, two things come to my mind immediately. The first is my husband and I discussing one day how we are self contained units. We have no serious "need" for one another, moreso a very intense "want" of each other's company. The other is something my father said about finding your "soul" mate. " It is no one's job to make you happy. That is your doings, and vice versa. You know you have found your soul mate when they are just as adept at making themselves happy, and you are very happy together. "

I am fond of the minimalist structure in this, although I would suggest more images to describe or show me pleasure , pain. dreams. possessions, and such as opposed to just using the words. They don't have to be extremely in depth descriptives, simply a original. Keeping them short, and to the point I believe would actually compliment this nicely .


Enjoyed the read :)

SilverMoon
June 10th, 2010, 04:34 PM
Hi, Kat. I have an idea which may or not work for you.

Maggie:

I am fond of the minimalist structure in this, although I would suggest more images to describe or show me pleasure , pain. dreams. possessions, and such

I too am pleased with the structure and will example how I think you may be able to introduce more images without compromising it. e.g.


I am One- onto myself
Rich and beautiful in spirit
Not meant for your pleasure,
Or your pain.


And then carry on with different images in each stanza. A strong poem. Something all us women need to hear and our young girls. Laurie

Kat
June 10th, 2010, 06:22 PM
Foxryder- thanks. I did capitalize One on purpose- to signify the wholeness that one person is. The rest Word did for me. I haven't figured out how to turn that off.

Thanks Maggie. My husband and I had a similar conversation although with very different outcome. I felt that I don't need him but want him. That I can be happy and fulfilled without him. But he had the opposite response. So I'm sure that you can imagine this has been a sore point.

Thanks Silvermoon. I did think that it was missing something but couldn't quite put my finger on it. I like your suggestion, I'll play around with that.