View Full Version : You Had Me At Hello

June 7th, 2010, 07:33 AM
So, I wrote this about 3-4 years ago. I wrote a lot of poetry back then as to where that is when my depression began. Let me know what you think of it! -Eden

Why is it that im always in this spot?
Contemplating everything you've ever said to me.
Pondering what is, could be, and never will be.
You, my friend, are one of each.
You are.
You could be.
You may never be.
Living in this plastic fantasy.
Burning at 100 degrees celsius.
Wanting and needing are two different things.
I'm wanting you. But i'm needing reality.
I don't live in reality as much as I really should.
Fantasy is prettier.
Reality is what actually goes on.
You, my friend, pierce a hole in me.
That hole is what kills me.
You cut me. Like my razorblade used to.
You dice and watch the blood splatter.
Plummeting down to the pile.
Don't you like it? I live for it.
You get the pleasure of doing it.
I love the fact of you pleasure.
My drunken oblivion i'm living in.
Makes me see nothing. I'm blinded by the sight
of you.
I'm blinded by the pure thought of you.
You're not so pure though, are you?
Wanting me. That's not pure.
I'm not as pure as you all think.
I'm a rotten love. A rotten piece of fruit.
I'm the girl that gets herself into stupid predicaments.
Only to see myself fall and hit the ground.
Like that plane crash so many years ago.
The burning heat rising up to your face.
With the fire as bright as the sun.
all I want to do is melt in your arms.
In the fiery pits of the seduction we pursue.
This sensation we bring upon each other.
Slices me into two.
Are you ready for it? Are you ready to be within?
For the unbearable roller coaster I bring into so many lives?
For the loopiness I ride?
For the pushing away? When needed most?
I'm ready.
Ready or not, i'm here.
Don't go and hide, i'll find you.
And you cant escape.
Just like I can't escape the evils of the world.
You can run but you cant hide.
Are you ready for the game?
Run for your life. Just run like hell.
Get out of whatever it is before I
blow you into smithereens.
But then again.
Who am I kidding,
you're the one who had me at hello.
Why arenít I the one running?
I should be. But I don't see the point.
I'll just be caught up to. Do what you want.
It's your life.
And I plan to live until the pits of hell
engulf me of my misery.
Until you have devoured every single part of me.
Chase me down.
Feel the struggle that I yearn for.
Brutality is my specialty.
You don't see me complaining.
Only yearning for more.
Needing more.
Needing the pure ecstasy of your taste.
The acidity of your face.
Brings me to life.
You have saved me.
From drowning in my sea of lonely.
From the depths of below.
Six feet under was my chamber.
But this is home.
Loneliness and oblivion.
You've brought me back to reality.
Like I said,
you had me at hello.

June 7th, 2010, 05:02 PM
For me, this was a bit like one of those poor comedy films where someone opens a cupboard filled with ping-pong balls. Much as they try to close the door, the cascade just carries on, with balls tumbling everywhere and the person trying to restrain the flow flapping helplessly.

I suppose on a good day with the wind in the right direction, you might be able to argue that it's poetry and that it has something of a "SOC" flow about it. I'd actually argue vehemently that this isn't the case.

It lacks depth, true honest gritty depth. It just pumps out unrelated images that, at times, seem tired, almost beyond redemption, and much as we wait for it to pick up, to have some kind of strength, some phoenix rising inside the ashes, it never arrives. If anything, the verbosity serves to lessen the impact, until it becomes almost mindless, in that the reader stops associating thought and just mouths the written words without bothering to try and grasp something.

I can see this as an act of personal catharsis; I struggle to see it as a poem. Sorry.

June 9th, 2010, 12:08 AM

Wow... You got a sorry out of Pete. I'm impressed *grins at Pete* Now here is the deal Hun :) Pete is right. This for the most part is not poetry. It is catharsis writing, and there is nothing wrong with that. I still sit down, and write, just to get it out of my system. What your choice is Babydoll is whether or not you want to write poetry. If you do ? My suggestion to you Hun is to read, read, read, and then read some more. Read classics, and then progress with the styles in a timeline fashion. Read books on the basic fundamentals of writing poetry, and then go back, and read some more poetry so you understand how those fundamentals are applied. All the while continue to write. Because here's the other deal Sweetie. One day you will sit down to write, and you will create a poem, the likelihood being you didn't even intend to. You will have simply studied enough that those rules, and structures will come naturally to you. It may even be a bad poem ! LOL So the hell what ! LOL It will be your first poem, and you will know it when you see it.

Good Luck to you Sweetie :)

June 9th, 2010, 12:18 AM
Oh, I have tonsss of poems. I'll post more up later. I just have to type them out.

Wouldn't this be considered prose poetry? Or am I wrong about that?

June 9th, 2010, 01:44 AM
Hi Eden.

Welcome to the forum.

I see some patterns that may be poetic, but I think it is mostly prose. I think you need to boil down the concept to its most basic form and then add some creative imagery. Most of the imagery is too expected. Such as:

you're the one who had me at hello.It's become a cliche, which saves it from being plagiarized.

Now this part is your poem.

I'm blinded by the pure thought of you.
You're not so pure though, are you?
Wanting me. That's not pure.
I'm not as pure as you all think.
I'm a rotten love. A rotten piece of fruit.That last line is your best imagery in the piece (not to say that your are a rotten piece of fruit, :-# but that is one of the more original thoughts in the piece.):wink:

June 9th, 2010, 06:29 AM
Thanks for the input Vangoghsear. I am going to work on it and repost it sometime soon. So keep a look out!

June 9th, 2010, 01:08 PM
I will. And please post some of your other poetry.

June 9th, 2010, 04:03 PM
Oh, I have tonsss of poems. I'll post more up later. I just have to type them out.

Wouldn't this be considered prose poetry? Or am I wrong about that?

*smiles* I like your energy. You obviously have an enthusiasm for the written word which is wonderful. Yeah... some of the sections Van picked out are poetic in nature ( My opinion came more from it as a whole piece ) So yes prose poetry could apply here somewhat. The main stumble block you might have with that here though is the lack of good structure. Which is why I recommended the reading/studying of such.

Keep'em coming darlin :)