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NathanBrazil
June 3rd, 2010, 09:11 AM
like a layer of skin.

Wrung and squeezed
my blood spatters
the dust.

Sloughed from the body.
Waste of an age
forgotten.

Lost as a whisper
of memory.

Searching for that place
where the moon swallows
the sea.




This one needs a lot of help. Is it clear what I'm talking about?

Gumby
June 3rd, 2010, 02:53 PM
I like the images, Nathan, but I'm having trouble connecting them to any solid central subject.

MaggieG
June 3rd, 2010, 03:28 PM
Hun

I have to agree with Gumby on this one. It is not that it isn't well written. It is simply too vague.

I enjoyed the read though :)

NathanBrazil
June 3rd, 2010, 05:02 PM
Gumby and MaggieG - Thanks. I'm trying to get across- death of parts of yourself. Things that go un-noticed almost until years later someone reminds you how you used to be. Any ideas and/or help would be greatly appreciated.

MaggieG
June 3rd, 2010, 05:07 PM
Ok... take it from the beginning, layers of skin. We all know the epidermis thins as we age, and loses its elasticity. Take it from there. ( I would be inclined to describe it in clinical terms ) But connect the dots. Chose words that ALSO describe that emotional/ societal / mental "peeling" we all go through as we age as well :0

Hope that helps :)

NathanBrazil
June 3rd, 2010, 05:13 PM
Maggie - Thanks. That's very helpful. The ending's got to go. Shoe horned it in there.