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playerpiano
June 3rd, 2010, 08:04 AM
The Silent Chorus

The air is still with wonder,
that gasping will of childhood thrall,
That gazes unwavering,
with no deterrent passion or jaded knell.
The silent chorus rings out,
off the marble steps and baptismal font,
from the pews,
splayed out in angles fit for prayer.
From each sainted space,
where the sun falls through stained glass,
There comes the sound,
Of tribute and of wonder.
Though no other soul is present,
and no lips are poised to sing,
The eyes capture each moment,
And in the minds of youth kindle melody.

SilverMoon
June 4th, 2010, 10:45 PM
playerpiano, can't figure out how this poem got so far down the page without comment! A couple of my favorites.

Quite sophisticated use of language. The only word I would replace is "splayed". I think of light or water splaying, not song. And what would the "silent" chorus represent?

The silent chorus rings out,
off the marble steps and baptismal font,
from the pews,
splayed out in angles fit for prayer.

Excellent alliterations! Now, here, I can see "splayed" used.

From each sainted space,
where the sun splayed through stained glass,
There comes the sound,

Great language. Thanks for the read. Laurie

playerpiano
June 4th, 2010, 11:23 PM
Quick revision based on your input. Not a bad point at all.

The Silent Chorus

The air is still with wonder,
that gasping will of childhood thrall,
That gazes unwavering,
with no deterrent passion or jaded knell.
The silent chorus rings out,
off the marble steps and baptismal font,
from the pews,
Partitioned rows set in angles fit for prayer.
From each sainted space,
where the sun splays through stained glass,
There comes the sound,
Of tribute and of wonder.
Though no other soul is present,
and no lips are poised to sing,
The eyes capture each moment,
And in the minds of youth kindle melody.

SilverMoon
June 4th, 2010, 11:35 PM
Quick mind for such a great re-write so speedily!

A very fleshed out, appealing addition. I'm glad you kept that last line.


Though no other soul is present,
and no lips are poised to sing,
The eyes capture each moment,
And in the minds of youth kindle melody

A bravo read! Very smooth. Laurie

Gumby
June 5th, 2010, 04:14 AM
This is very nice player. The only suggestion I would add is that you break it into stanza's. It would give the readers mind more room to appreciate what you are saying here. Very beautiful. :)

The air is still with wonder,
that gasping will of childhood thrall,
That gazes unwavering,
with no deterrent passion or jaded knell.

The silent chorus rings out,
off the marble steps and baptismal font,
from the pews,
Partitioned rows set in angles fit for prayer.

From each sainted space,
where the sun splays through stained glass,
There comes the sound,
Of tribute and of wonder.

Though no other soul is present,
and no lips are poised to sing,
The eyes capture each moment,
And in the minds of youth kindle melody.

MaggieG
June 8th, 2010, 11:47 PM
PP

I thoroughly enjoyed this vocally. It glides off the tongue smoothly, with little to no effort. The biggest advice I can give on this is shake up your content a bit, soften the sheets of your words with a nice big snap to break the stiffness.

Enjoyed :)