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View Full Version : Notes From The Homeland of Beautiful Beasts ( The Boot Soul ) *revised*



MaggieG
June 2nd, 2010, 03:20 PM
"If you want me again look for me under your boot-soles." - Walt Whitman " Song of Myself "

It is a boot soul, wrapped, and strapped around
worn cut husk of human, stride of weather-worn grit.
A thicker hide is set.

Tie up those delicacies of civilized
step, and fetch; their prance.
Yet we dance heavy, and ill bred.

Coarsing elements tromp elements
that stomp upon the foot of it all.
This soul is a sole,

and its tread, its scud elevates us
from the hot hard cement
poured daily in sink holes.

Leather no longer labors
harnessing taws, but is a broganed mother
of fiercly tanned hide.

She never confides this shielded direction;
Sweet grass to soften, to trip over
for a simple resurrection... of the boot soul.

It is her thousand acres, so very rarely trod.

J.R. MacLean
June 5th, 2010, 04:36 PM
Maggie

This is a fascinating effort. I'm an appreciator of Whitman, but far from knowledgeable. This certainly has a marching, expansive quality that feels very Whitmanesque. I'll risk few suggestions;


"If you want me again look for me under your boot-soles." - Walt Whitman " Song of Myself "

It is a boot soul, wrapped, and strapped around
worn cut husk of human, stride of weather-worn grit.
A thicker hide is set.

Tie up those delicacies of civilized
step, and fetch; their prance. and fetch their prance? the punctuation here doesn't make sense to me.
We dance heavy, and ill bred.

Coarsing elements tromp elements
that stomp upon the foot of it all.
This soul is a sole,

and it's tread, it's scud elevates
from the hot hard cement
poured daily in sink holes.

Leather no longer labors
harnessing taws, but is a broganed mother
of fiercly tanned hide.

She never confides this shielded direction;
Sweet grass to soften, to trip over
for a simple resurrection... of the boot soul.

It is her thousand acres, rarely walked upon. so very rarely trod.

MaggieG
June 6th, 2010, 03:08 PM
Maggie

This is a fascinating effort. I'm an appreciator of Whitman, but far from knowledgeable. This certainly has a marching, expansive quality that feels very Whitmanesque. I'll risk few suggestions;


J.R.

Loved that ending you came up with. I'm snitching it from ya ! LOL The line in stanza 2 is to describe that their "step, and fetch " is a prance. I wondered if it was a little too complicated for such a short line. In Stanza 4 I was wondering if I should put back "elevates me " as opposed to just "elevate" Thoughts on that one ?

Thanks much for the read Hun :)

Pete_C
June 7th, 2010, 05:07 PM
For me, this falls between two camps. It loses some of the elements that I didn't like in the first draft, but it also loses some I did like.

It's as if it has somehow been over-polished, artificially cleaned and fancified, whereas it just needed some of the rougher edges knocked off it.

If this were mine, I'd lay it to rest and go back to the original for a more basic tweak; the simplicity was its strength, whereas here you've adorned it with calipers and crutches.

MaggieG
June 7th, 2010, 05:12 PM
For me, this falls between two camps. It loses some of the elements that I didn't like in the first draft, but it also loses some I did like.

It's as if it has somehow been over-polished, artificially cleaned and fancified, whereas it just needed some of the rougher edges knocked off it.

If this were mine, I'd lay it to rest and go back to the original for a more basic tweak; the simplicity was its strength, whereas here you've adorned it with calipers and crutches.

Got a little too fancy with the tailoring huh ? Truth ? I have already taken your advice Hun. I was fond of the "roughness" of the original, and watched "slick" take over on the revise, in a way denouncing the whole piece.

Pete I do like it when you mosey on by * grins*

Thank you much Hun :)

J.R. MacLean
June 7th, 2010, 05:48 PM
I like

and its tread, its scud elevates
the hot hard cement
poured daily in sink holes. Having 'elevates' modify that cement is I think, more surprising and universal than even using 'us'.

P.S. watch the it's should be its- I did that one about thirty times in my novel and had to fix 'em all.

One more thing I meant to mention last time.

'Coarsing' would read better as 'Coursing' , ie 'running, flowing'. Or alternatively, 'Coarse elements'

MaggieG
June 7th, 2010, 05:59 PM
I like

and its tread, its scud elevates
the hot hard cement
poured daily in sink holes. Having 'elevates' modify that cement is I think, more surprising and universal than even using 'us'.

P.S. watch the it's should be its- I did that one about thirty times in my novel and had to fix 'em all.

One more thing I meant to mention last time.

'Coarsing' would read better as 'Coursing' , ie 'running, flowing'. Or alternatively, 'Coarse elements'

Damnit ! Got busted on my crappy grammar again ! Keep it up ! One day I might become a proper speaking kinda girl ( Said with her best country drawl ;) )

Now see JR ! You caught me right in the middle of my being a little too slick. I was playing with course/ coarse there.

I thank you much for the read Hun, and your eyes are always welcome :)