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Seven
June 2nd, 2010, 02:47 PM
I feel like I have you in my arms
only to push you away.
Am I putting you in a choke hold?
Am I squeezing your ability to breathe?

Tell me so.
Because you're so distant.
You feel cold towards me...
Or am I just paranoid?

I'm in my mind's arms
only to be pushed away.
Thoughts of you put me in a choke hold,
and squeeze away my ability to breathe.

I wish I could tell you so.
I don't want you to be distant.
I don't want you to be cold.
I'm on my knees.

I know I'm too demanding,
but right now I'm pleading.
I feel like some sort of vampire
draining you for your attention and love.

I absorb what little time I have with you.
I'm starved of your presence
and when you're gone,
I feel like I'm disintegrating in the sun.

SilverMoon
June 2nd, 2010, 04:48 PM
Hi, Seven. Your poem gets across "desperation" extreemely well.
A remarkably sensitive poem!

These are the lines I liked, especially:


Thoughts of you put me in a choke hold,


and when you're gone,
I feel like I'm disintegrating in the sun.

My advice would be to cut out some of the repetition pertaining to the loss and flavor up a bit. I hope you don't mind me taking the liberty with the following and then suggest you thinking about figuring it in throughout. Just a suggestion.


Tell me so.
It's as if your miles away.
I can feel your freeze from here
Or am I just worried?

A very good poem worthy of some editing. Laurie

Seven
June 2nd, 2010, 08:50 PM
I think I'm going to leave it as it is. Thanks for the advice, though. I feel that "Paranoid" ties in very well with the stanza following it. Since paranoia is more of an... Extreme sense of worry or fear. However, I will think of the two other lines... However, I think the way it was penned ties in very well with each other. I don't think I'd want to change a thing.

SilverMoon
June 2nd, 2010, 09:11 PM
"Paranoid" is a very strong emotion and by all means keep in and all in as well. A good piece of writing and I'll say it again. One of the most sensistive poems I've read, here! Please keep at it and sending in more! Laurie

Seven
June 2nd, 2010, 10:19 PM
hehe~ Thank you very much.