PDA

View Full Version : Ty



Gumby
June 1st, 2010, 04:27 PM
removed

MaggieG
June 1st, 2010, 04:51 PM
The very fact that you immediately invoked the mother/daughter battleground between me, and my own tells me you wrote this so very well. When my daughter rushes the field , staking her claim I try to smile knowing it is the way of things. ( or shall I say as they should be. I had no mother to war with. lol ) BUT THAT ache, that THING between mothers, and daughters ? WOW ! Knocks you on your butt sometimes.

Excellent read :)

terrib
June 1st, 2010, 06:32 PM
Yes it does, Maggie...:) I tell you, raising a daughter is like raising a wolf pup! I would rather raise a heard of boys than one girl...lol

The title hooked me, Gumby...the writing kept me here...great job, hon!

J.R. MacLean
June 1st, 2010, 08:35 PM
Hey Gumby

I like the philosophy behind this one and I like the structure of the poem. I think it needs a more powerful central image to give it some oomph, to make it memorable. "something" and "phantom weight" are too bland. What is the sacrifice- a beating heart dripping with years and tears comes to my mind- that a mother makes, that a daughter may only return towards the end of the mother's life? I think the right image (and it may not even be an organ donation ;) ) will really give this poem a (ahem) beating heart.

Gumby
June 1st, 2010, 11:55 PM
Maggie, yes...that thing! It's always there isn't it? Glad this rang true for you, it is a story old as time it seems. Thank you for your kind thought and words.

Terri, I can only agree with you. I had three sons and one daughter. She was the only one I got called to school for, a wolf pup just about covers it! :)

J.R. you taskmaster you! You always call me out, and I'm ever so grateful for it! :) I have never been satisfied with this one, and always felt like something was missing. You pretty much nailed it. Got my mind working on a few changes. Thank you for always stirring the pot! :)