PDA

View Full Version : A Summer Valentine, No. 2



JosephB
May 29th, 2010, 04:40 AM
I see you,
top untied,
and lying, luscious
on my stolen towel,
sweat and sunscreen,
glistening, rising
silver beads
on sun-browned skin

you lift your shades
and smile,
arching, sphinx-like
from a chaise,
while glances
skip across
the rippling surface
like smooth stones

I curl my toes
around cool concrete,
and contemplate
the shimmering web
of light below,
as children shout
and whistles blow,

marco
polo
marco
polo

let’s slip into
the silent blue
and spiral
intertwined,
like dolphins, dancing
somersaulting,
in some suburban sea

dive in with me,
my poolside queen,
my chlorine dream,

marco
polo
marco
polo

and never swim away.

SvirVolgate
May 29th, 2010, 06:44 AM
this reminds me of a poem i wrote a while ago. I really enjoyed this. It's very cute :3

JosephB
May 29th, 2010, 11:41 PM
Thanks for reading and commenting, SvirVolgate. Heh, I'll take cute.

Gumby
May 30th, 2010, 12:30 AM
Very sensuous Joe, I like!
This verse especially, I enjoyed.


while glances
skip across
the rippling surface
like smooth stones

Marco Polo could never have imagined his name being used to further romance like this! :)

J.R. MacLean
May 30th, 2010, 04:49 AM
Mmm. I largely grew up with a public pool at the end of our street, a veritable cauldron of summer romances. Really enjoyed the rhythm of this one. Suggestions humbly offered.


I see you,
top untied,
and lying, luscious delete 'and'
on my stolen towel,
sweat and sunscreen,
glistening, rising
silver beads
on sun-browned skin

you lift your shades
and smile,
arching, sphinx-like delete comma
from a chaise,
while glances
skip across
the rippling surface
like smooth stones

I curl my toes
around cool concrete,
and contemplate delete 'and'
the shimmering web
of light below,
as children shout
and whistles blow,

marco
polo
marco
polo

let’s slip into
the silent blue
and spiral
intertwined,
like dolphins, dancing
somersaulting,
in some suburban sea in suburban seas

dive in with me,
my poolside queen,
my chlorine dream, love this

marco
polo
marco
polo

and never swim away. This ending works but I find myself longing for something more 'poetic', whatever that means.

SilverMoon
May 30th, 2010, 02:20 PM
Joe, you certainly gave us summer romance. (I can almost smell that baby oil and idodine us girls used to used to tan!)

It is almost like a yoga pose when us girls would bend up from the lounge.

arching, sphinx-like
from a chaise

Just exceptional!

dive in with me,
my poolside queen,
my chlorine dream,


Joe, thanks for bringing back memories of those days when we were discovering. Laurie

MaggieG
May 30th, 2010, 05:45 PM
Joseph

I can hear this being sung ( to some soft " James Taylor " like melody ) It is lyrical, and moves like water. :)

Chesters Daughter
May 30th, 2010, 07:37 PM
This, in a word, is excellent, Joe. The picture you paint is so vivid, I swore I smelled chlorine (hated you for a moment for that, I love pools and it's hot here). The inclusion of Marco Polo and the kids made the scene so complete and I guess it's safe to say, actually palpable. Okay, now I'm gushing so it's time to take my leave. Bottom line is this enveloped me. Exceptional work.

JosephB
June 1st, 2010, 11:45 AM
Gumby, thanks for reading. I'm glad you liked it. I looked into why the game is called Marco Polo, and couldn't find anything definitive. It's a mystery, I guess.

Maggie, thank you for reading. I do write and record music, occasionally perform. I hadn't thought of making these lyrics, but there might be potential for that.

J.R., thanks. Our pool is just a block away, and I used to lifeguard there when I was a kid. Those are good edits and I believe I'm going to make them. I liked the alliteration in the 5th stanza, but now I think it's a bit much. I like your "suburban seas" suggestion. I do agree with you about the end. It does seem a little obvious. I'll have to give that some more thought.

SilverMoon, Glad it evoked memories of that time. To me, it's about the here and now -- inspired by and written for my spousal unit. But I like it when things take on different meanings for people. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Lisa, thanks. I really do try to use all the senses when I write, to create real sense of place and being there. I'm glad that worked for you.