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k3ng
May 28th, 2010, 07:10 AM
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SilverMoon
May 28th, 2010, 02:38 PM
k3ng, a lovely poem. Every mother should be so lucky! Right now it reads like narrative with some extranious words so I'm going to offer just a few suggestions and you might want to carry on from here. A truly heart felt poem! Laurie



A day a year "It seems" is not necessary. Keep in mind that less is more sometimes
is really no big deal for some
and others simply cannot wait
for that one day to come

It's just like Christmas day,
New Years or Valentine's
it comes around just once a year
and I think that's just fine. and so forth...

But people say to take one day and make it such a fuss
is not the slightest bit sincere to anyone and, thus,
they simply do not bother and they call us hypocrites
But I say that on these people this title truly fits.
I don't know why they make me out to be so bad or worse
At least I took to time to sit and write this little verse.

I know that I don't really say it quite enough at all
and true my actions simply show how well I drop the ball
the things I might have said and things I didn't do or did
all merely prove how much I'm really still a dumb ol kid.

I may not be the model son, the best in history
although at times I tend to think that person's really me
my constant disobediences, my witty rebel tongue,
my sarcastic personality deserves to be hung.

So I would say your greatest triumph in the world must be
despite all these shortcomings you still put up with me.
I'd like to say I haven't got a clue to how or why
But that would just be nothing but a 100 percent lie.

I do know why, I do know how, it's clear for all to see
it isn't rocket science, it's simple - mum loves me.

So this collection of my words I dedicate to you
It isn't much at all but it's the best that I can do

Happy Mother's Day dear mum, I'll say it till I'm blue
for all to see and read - Dear Mumsies, I love you.

wacker
May 28th, 2010, 11:15 PM
Hell k3ng,

I'd like to echo SilverMoons summing up of your poem. Over all I thought it was nice. But as you mentioned there were a lot of filler words in the poem, which detracted from the poem.
However I did like the use of some words like for instance "mumsies". Over all the poem could have done with a little bit more thought and added a little bit more feeling.
I know it may seem strange using the word "feeling", but thats just what has to bounce off the page. With Feeling demonstrate the passion of a writer, but most importantly, demonstrate the love you have for your mother. What I am trying to say is; EXPRESS YOURSELF more clearly on paper... let the love flow off the pages and reach the inner demensions of our souls. That way your mother will truly relate to the poem as she would have felt the emotion bouncing off the page.

wacker