View Full Version : Ali

May 25th, 2010, 04:18 PM

May 25th, 2010, 05:49 PM

I just love this !

That is all I have to say :)

May 26th, 2010, 04:48 PM
Thank you Maggie, glad you enjoyed. :)

May 26th, 2010, 06:32 PM
Cindy, loved this!

Eyes never shut up-

I'm afraid, I'm lost here. It could be just me but it seems a little disjointed from the rest of the poem. (?)

The looking glass looks back
with mute eyes, Alice.
She feared the real story
lay there.

May 26th, 2010, 07:14 PM
I like the voice of this. Intriguing. Who is that looking back at you, the image can't tell you.

May 26th, 2010, 09:48 PM
I like this poem and I also like the idea that the way others look at us or view us can often feel a burden. I also like the contrast between speaking eyes and mute eyes. There is a lot going on here, but for me there is still something missing that is needed to make this complete poem. I can't put my finger on it at present.

I may get back to you later when I have thought more about it; I might change my mind and find what I thought was missing actually isn't.



J.R. MacLean
May 26th, 2010, 11:20 PM
I think this addresses an important theme, how we look to others to define us. But we come into and leave this world alone, no one else can tell us who we are. So I see this as being about facing our essential aloneness. The weakness is in the ending, which is pure telling. "She feared..." It would strengthened hugely if we could be made to experience what she heard/saw/felt mirrored in that glass.

May 27th, 2010, 04:13 AM
Thank you Laurie! Sorry this wasn't clear for you. It really is as the others have said, finding and knowing yourself. I've changed the ending a bit, hope that helps.

Van, you are spot on, thank you for your input here. :-)

Firebird, thank you for reading and letting me know what did and didn't work for you.

J.R. As usual, you have made me think about what I'm saying on an even deeper level. Thank you so much for that. I've changed the end up a bit, please let me know what you think.

May 27th, 2010, 06:44 AM
I loved this. The ending was perfect.

J.R. MacLean
May 27th, 2010, 11:54 AM
Now that's got some sharp ironic bite. Good work Gumby.

May 27th, 2010, 01:05 PM
Cindy, the ending much improved. Very well done!

May 27th, 2010, 02:07 PM

love the new ending!

May 27th, 2010, 03:40 PM
Excellent piece of work certainly well worth reading again... again and again.


May 28th, 2010, 03:11 AM
Kat, thank you for chiming in on this one! And for the thumbs up on this different ending.

J.R. what can I say, except thank you for always pushing me just a little bit further with your excellent suggestions.

Laurie, so glad this works better for you, and for letting me know where it needed improving.

alan, thank you for the input on the different ending, too! I'm glad this one gave you a chuckle. I know poetry isn't where you usually hang out, so I truly appreciate your taking the time and effort to comment on this.

wacker, thank you for your kind words on this one, very much appreciated.

May 28th, 2010, 11:13 PM
I only read this version, but it works for me. The first line is especially strong. Overall, it says a lot with very few words, which I always appreciate. It's not easy. Nice one.

May 29th, 2010, 06:48 AM
"The looking glass looks back
with mute eyes, Alice."

i love this line

May 29th, 2010, 03:24 PM
Joe, thanks for reading and commenting on this one, much appreciated.

Drew, your suggestions are always welcome. I see where you're going with this, separating some of the lines out to stand alone. They might have a stronger impact like that. Being such a short piece there really isn't any flow to be disrupted, so it might work. Thank you for that!

Thank you Svir, I liked that line too, glad it worked for you.

Chesters Daughter
May 29th, 2010, 07:48 PM
You already know how much I like this one, Cindy. I love the new ending, it's like the slice of a dagger, and you know how much I love to play with sharp things. Excellent edit for a fine piece.

May 30th, 2010, 03:05 PM
Thank you Lisa, I can clearly see and feel the lure of sharp objects, maybe it's catching? :)