View Full Version : For the sap a floor above me

May 24th, 2010, 09:07 PM

May 24th, 2010, 09:15 PM
I really like this a lot, it has a tenderness toward people who are hurting even if the narrator doesn't entirely share it. I'll leave it to those much more versed in poetry than I am to do the heavy-duty critiquing. Good imagery, excellent small storyline, overall it captured me. Thanks for sharing.

Chesters Daughter
May 25th, 2010, 02:38 AM
I could blah blah about punctuation, but I won't. I have no desire to alter your work, I bathe in it as it is. You got me feeling, which is something I seldom do. Kudos. Forgive my brevity, computer is a mess, screen keeps going opaque, arrow turns into a pulsating circle, and then the damn thing overheats. I had to be quick to get this in.

May 25th, 2010, 02:50 AM
A sad story and you told it well, Whit. Love the honesty that comes through in this stanza

so when his book
got published
I immediately went out
and bought it
for reasons of envy and bitterness
I suppose

Much enjoyed! :)

May 25th, 2010, 05:30 PM
I read this last night, and also now. This stanza struck me for more than just its wonderful construction.

months later
I would come to find
that the grief stricken lad
got so enamored with his own sorrow
ended his life
in undramatic fashion
and ill-gotten timing

We have writers out here that think this IS the life of a writer. Some melodramatic bittersweet sorrow that is going to plunge them into the fiery pits of emotional hell ! " WTF ? " Hemingway offed himself NOT because he was a writer, but because he was an emotionally unstable man who for whatever reason couldn't walk the hard road. While I would appreciate your man's skill in writing , I would not be inclined to enhance his attributes due to his death.

Sorry about the rant. That kinda mentality tends to get under my skin ! lol

I did enjoy your write though :)

May 26th, 2010, 04:44 PM