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wacker
May 24th, 2010, 08:26 PM
CONFUSED


I shed a tear upon my pillow as I lay down upon my bed
Gently I massage my head, not knowing why
A bruised eye and a broken nose the result perhaps of a fight I lost
However unsure that I am, is this the result of my failure


Images of a fight erupt in my minds eye
With myself being the victim, laughter abound
Putting up a struggle and attempting to protect myself
I failed badly as my broken body and head hits the ground


Laying there upon the ground, frightened and in pain
With only the darkness as my friend
I reach out and plead for help
Screaming utter nonsense I begin to cry


Is there no one who can help me
Do they even know I exist
How can they help me, what can they do
can I expect a miricale or just wait my turn to die


Utterly confused and not sure if I am dreaming
I attempt to hit the ground to cause me yell out loud
Nothing happens, so this is definitely all in the mind
Sobbing my eyes out I, my tears stain the floor


I realise I could be wrong and pray that I am
As I attempt to hit the ground again
Pain no longer my goal
Can someone help me, please, I am confused.

rainhands
May 24th, 2010, 11:49 PM
Hi Wacker,

with 18 (if my counting is up to scratch) "I"s, and an abundance of me/my/myself (used 14 times), this piece isn't really geared towards an audience. I'm just not getting anything from it, because it's so self-centred.

The idea of a dream fight has some potential, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. Firstly, this reads at the moment as one long, nonsensical sentence, because you only use one full stop right at the end. Why have you not punctuated the piece properly with full stops/ question marks as appropriate throughout? You've used commas and dashes and other marks of punctuation, so it seems quite an odd choice. Lines like:


However unsure that I am, is this the result of my failure

sound pretty strange without punctuation at the end.

Overall, this is way too melodramatic, and none of the images are particularly memorable because they're mostly abstract, such as "frightened and in pain" - can you give a specific image which shows this, rather than generalised, unevocative words? Just some concrete detail, attention to active verbs, more intimate descriptions, would bring these piece out of prosey reportage and give it some much-needed energy.

Also, remember to proof-read before you post - "miricale," "to cause me yell out loud."

Do you read much published poetry? Good luck with this,

-R

Martin
May 25th, 2010, 01:59 AM
would bring these piece out of prosey

I believe you mean "this"...

Martin
May 25th, 2010, 02:14 AM
Wacker, rude of me not to reply to your poem. It could need some work and you got some good suggestions. Though I read it with the style and sentiment in mind, I remember from your earlier pieces and took it rather light hearted, a little wacky. It made it quite a pleasant read. Nice to see you're still around...

rainhands
May 25th, 2010, 09:37 AM
I believe you mean "this"...

Lol, indeed I do.

wacker
May 26th, 2010, 10:16 AM
Thanks guys for your comments. Its just something that I did on the fly and decided to put it here for commenting. As I expected It needs a lot of work but the goal of this piece (for me) was to get as many comments and opinions to give me a bigger view of the overall picture.

Again guys thanks for your input, every bit of advice/criticism on this piece is useful.

all the best.

wacker