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Tom
May 24th, 2010, 03:44 PM
Your muted eyes
and blinded breath
as the sun sets
on a sleeping pattern.

Swallow the pills
to fill a stomach,
tortured and immune,
hopelessly waking you.

Let it claw,
strangle your voice,
humiliate,
embarrass,
sweep you from your horse
and cement each foot into place.

Open up,
grit those teeth.

It's your turn.

wacker
May 24th, 2010, 07:26 PM
Hello Tom,

As no one else has bothered to comment yet I thought I would give you my opinion.
Over all I thought the poem is enchanting, but could be tweaked to improve it some what.

To begin with... the first lines - your muted eyes, and blinded breath. I personally thought this did not make any sense.

Perhaps if you reversed some words and said for instance: My/ your blinded eyes and bated/silent breath ,
this would have a better impact on the opening of your poem. As it ties in well with the next lines - as the sun set on a sleeping pattern.

The following verse could possibly be viewed as being cryptic, if you were a beginner and did not understand what you were trying to say in it. However I thought that you did it justice the way you pharsed it.

The following lines took a few readings for me to digst it. When I finally understood it and read the whole poem again as a whole It seemed (in my opinion) to blend in well with the rest of the poem.

Again, as this is just my opinion, please do not take offence to what i said. Other people who choose to comment on your poem may have a more insightful knowledge and understanding of your poem.

Either way I hope I have helped in some way- even if it is only to get other people to comment on your poem.


Wacker

MaggieG
May 25th, 2010, 05:03 PM
Your muted eyes
and blinded breath
as the sun sets
on a sleeping pattern.

Swallow the pills
to fill a stomach,
tortured and immune,
hopelessly waking you.

Let it claw,
strangle your voice,
humiliate,
embarrass,
sweep you from your horse
and cement each foot into place.

Open up,
grit those teeth.

It's your turn.

Although your meaning came across in some areas as "confusing" , the muddling seemed to re-enforce my opinion that this about someone not wanting to ( or maybe even totally dependent on ) take psych meds. It has a tinge of "word salad" to it. Am I completely off base here ?

Tom
May 25th, 2010, 07:03 PM
@Wacker: Thanks. I think the first lines are totally confusing, and I've totally screwed up the word choice there. Your advice was helpful, I'm glad you took the time to comment.

@Maggie: 'fraid not. It's about guilt, and how it hurts and keeps you awake. The pills were reference to sleeping pills. Thanks for commenting though, I guess it's too confusing.

MaggieG
May 25th, 2010, 07:12 PM
I just re-read your piece Hun, and understand it based on your explanation. Many of your words allude to other things, which is where I think the "confusion" comes in. I would suggest finding that solidity you need here in the word "guilt" itself, and all its synonyms that would apply to the scenario you have portrayed here. :)