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Crash_Tomas
May 21st, 2010, 05:43 AM
“Do you even care?” -- Nobody told me to.
(She Sits Back in Her chair)
“Someone else will take care of it.” …Commonly.

“Welcome to the Real World.” -- This isn’t real at all.
(She Takes a new Perspective)
“And you won’t be remembered.” … I Don’t need to be.

“Just Finish it By Yourself.” -- I don’t want to do it without you.
(She Doesn’t speak at first)
“It’s Probably Possible.” …Maybe.

Dzhyan
May 21st, 2010, 11:48 AM
Beautiful! From arrogant active indifference, to cynical self-denying pessimism, to fear of disattachment and uncertainty, with a perfect ending of wavering doubt with overtones of threat of the future... love it!

JosephB
May 21st, 2010, 01:04 PM
Well, I can't top that crit. All that, huh?

I will say I like it much better than the last -- that was a a little too oblique for me.

Good job.

Crash_Tomas
May 21st, 2010, 11:20 PM
Thanks. =)

vangoghsear
May 22nd, 2010, 01:05 AM
There is an interesting thread of consciousness that runs through this that is pretty well described by Dzhyan (I think I'm gonna call him Dz for short).

MaggieG
May 22nd, 2010, 02:10 AM
“Do you even care?” -- Nobody told me to.
(She Sits Back in Her chair)
“Someone else will take care of it.” …Commonly.

( Commonly says so much, not the way you want them to, in an uncaring manner. Good good word there. )

“Welcome to the Real World.” -- This isn’t real at all.
(The dream takes hold)
“And you won’t be remembered.” … I Don’t need to be.

( Darlin I hated the line ," (The dream takes hold)" It was just a big ole killjoy right in the middle of a good piece of work )

“Just Finish it By Yourself.” -- I don’t want to do it without you.
(She Doesn’t speak at first)
“It’s Probably Possible.” …Maybe.

( That ending was excellent. It is flirty , with the speakers, and the possibilities. Much enjoyed :) )

Crash_Tomas
May 22nd, 2010, 04:05 AM
what do you suggest to improve the line? I'm not sure what would be appropriate there. As another action, or something.

MaggieG
May 22nd, 2010, 04:10 AM
You caught me in the middle of wrestling with my two dogs ! LOL

Off the top of my head ?

( Freud slips into perspective. )

Eiji Tunsinagi
May 22nd, 2010, 03:48 PM
Love this! Great execution. Simple... but a little absurd. Just a little bit.

Gumby
May 23rd, 2010, 01:43 AM
Good job, Crash! You've got a talent in this direction, for sure! :)

Crash_Tomas
May 23rd, 2010, 05:15 AM
Thanks Gumby =)