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Gumby
May 21st, 2010, 04:51 AM
removed

Crash_Tomas
May 21st, 2010, 05:01 AM
Wow. I Absolutely loved this, haha.

Kind of true, in my opinion. The tone was well done. I'd say more, but I really don't know that much about poetry, haha. Good job~

JosephB
May 21st, 2010, 12:07 PM
Good word choices, Gumby. Very precise. Especially here:


Embryonic glaciers
grow slowly, inexorably
in frigid climates,
splitting
even the hardest rock
from within.
That's my kind of poetry.

To me it's maybe about a subtle form of verbal abuse -- although abuse may be too strong a word. Could be wrong -- and it wouldn't be the first time. Can't say I relate to it personally, but if I'm on the right track, I see it quite a bit. I'm around a lot of other parents these days. Nice work.

Chesters Daughter
May 21st, 2010, 05:11 PM
Yet again, dear Cindy, you carry an extended metaphor effortlessly. Your ability in that area is undeniable and awe inspiring. If a father so desperately needs a mirror, he should drag his ass to Home Depot. This type of abuse occurs far too frequently and usually goes undetected as the wounds it leaves are invisible to the naked eye. I've seen it firsthand being perpetrated by a friend's father, not pretty. You did a stupendous job with the breaks, emphasis is in just the right places. Excellent work, love.

SilverMoon
May 21st, 2010, 05:24 PM
Cindy, like Joe, I read this as verbal abuse.

by the edge of dad's tongue


And, polished to a brilliant shine
by the edge of dad's tongue
has it's advantages;
one can be almost invisible,
if all you do is reflect.


and you never see the scars...poignant poem. Laurie

Gumby
May 21st, 2010, 10:08 PM
Thanks Crash, glad you enjoyed. :)

Joe, you are definitely on the right track here. This is such an old story between father's and son's. I, too, have seen it played out over and over throughout my life. Thank you. :)

Lisa, thank you dear. I know you preferred the original to this one, so I'm glad this one works for you too. I value your opinion greatly.

Laurie, you are exactly right with the verbal abuse. So much damage can be done to a person's soul with harsh words, children especially. I know you understand this concept and put a gentle tone to your words, always. Thank you!

vangoghsear
May 22nd, 2010, 01:35 AM
Your metaphor of the rock is wonderfully employed here. Very nice job.


Embryonic glaciers
grow slowly, inexorably
in frigid climates,
splitting
even the hardest rock
from within.


Good word choices for the piece as well.

MaggieG
May 22nd, 2010, 02:15 AM
This word
inexorably is still making nuts no matter how many times I read it. lol

and this ?


And, polished to a brilliant shine
by the edge of dad's tongue

makes me envious as hell that I didn't write it . It is bloody brilliant !

One of the best pieces I have read in a while :)

J.R. MacLean
May 23rd, 2010, 05:20 AM
Gumby

This is a thoughtful and insightful piece, with clever and precise development of the theme. I would like it better, however, without the last two lines which for me undercuts the thrust of compassionate ruefulness with a rather patronizing generalization. The sentence structure of the penultimate stanza is awkward compared to the rest of the piece.

'and being polished to a brilliant shine'
or
Being polished to a brilliant shine'

would, I think, read better.

Its been a while since I've read you; you've made (imho) noticeable strides in a good direction.

Gumby
May 23rd, 2010, 04:25 PM
Van, I'm glad the metaphor worked for you, I'm not always sure if the ones I choose will come across. Thank you!

Maggie, sorry to be driving you nuts with one little word! They really are powerful, aren't they? lol Seriously, that word seemed to be the only one that would express what I wanted in that spot. Thank you so much for your read and comments. :)


Thank you J.R. for your read and advice, I know when I see your name, it will be good! I've added the word being and agree it flows smoother. Thank you for that.:) I debated on whether to add that last line or not when I wrote the poem. I opted to put it in, but see now that maybe I shouldn't have. I thought it might be a little too telly, never thought about it being kind of patronizing. Hmmm. You've given me food for thought as always, J.R. Thank you so much! :)