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cassie30
May 18th, 2010, 09:17 PM
Peaches and cream

are oh so sweet

Peaches and cream

remind me of you

You are so sweet I could

eat you up like

peaches and cream

No one can compare to you

Peaches and cream are

oh so sweet like you

I want to taste you today

just like peaches and cream

Neat, sweet, tasty

and cute you are

Peaches and cream

have a lot in

common with you

Your skin is the

most beautiful shade of

peaches and cream

I love you my sweet

peaches and cream boy

leah_rose
May 18th, 2010, 10:55 PM
At first glance, I really thing this poem could use some formatting and punctuation. When I read it, I was confused between when one thought ended and another began. Although this can be an interesting thing to do, I don't think it works in this poem. If you want to do something interesting with it, I personally really like when stanzas are deconstructed or constructed from beginning to end. Your first stanza is almost like that where you have two thoughts and then combine them into one, but then you stop doing that and the thoughts become more blended and more confusing.

Also, you can condense this poem significantly, because throughout much of it, you are talking about the same thing. You say that peaches and cream are sweet and you like to eat them three times throughout the poem and the poem is short enough that it only needs to be said once. You also compare the boy to peaches and cream several times. It is only necessary to make that comparison once and it should only be made once, if at all. It might be cool to not even make the comparison and just give hints as to who exactly you are talking about in the poem itself. Bottom line: changing up word choice can really benefit this poem tremendously.

I hope that helped. If you have any questions about anything I said, just let me know and I'll try to answer them. Great poem!

cassie30
May 20th, 2010, 07:26 PM
thank for your input