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StephenMcG
May 17th, 2010, 11:30 PM
Responsible Words

Words are heavy,
so heavy in fact
they must not be said,
with all their crippling honesty,
keep them in your mouth,
you will serve no one justice
giving them the weight of your words.
Lock them, cease their movement,
for they will live on
in the pit of whomever’ stomach,
and they will not digest,
nor expel as gas,
They will live immortal lives
running through blood of whomever,
circulating and fueling and shaping
minor muscles,
nervus facialis,
the ghostly face will grow
and you will be responsible:
for your words have weight
and they must not be said.

garza
May 18th, 2010, 01:19 AM
deleted

Nellie
May 18th, 2010, 01:35 AM
Stephen,

I do understand words can be heavy, but why would one ask that they not be said if they are "crippling honesty"? Isn't justice served with honesty?


for your words have weight
and they must not be said.
if they are "Responsible Words" they must be said, otherwise the weight of the irresponsible words could impair others' willingness to write responsibly.

StephenMcG
May 18th, 2010, 01:49 AM
The rhythm of the first three lines, like heavy footsteps, drew me in. Then I hit the 'there' in the fourth line, and all was lost.

Sorry, but this is the kind of error for which there is no plausible excuse. The concept of the poem is good. The structure, though a bit awkward in places, fits with the theme. There is an obvious and admirable desire to communicate an idea. Not a bad piece of writing at all.

But for that 'there'.

There is no evidence of ignorance of the language anywhere else in the poem, so the conclusion must be that the 'there' is the result of carelessness, and for carelessness at such a level there can be no excuse.

Presumably the line will be edited, and so for future readers to understand my comments, here is the line as originally posted: '...with all there crippling honesty,'

There are a few other suggestions that can be made, but that 'there' needs first to be repaired.

Garza, thanks for pointing that out. If I'm honest, it was a bit of carelessness on my part, as I wrote the poem quite fluidly some months ago, and with the rejuvenation of this site, I thought I'd post it, and banked on the thought that there were no errors.

Ode to careless. I will correct it.

StephenMcG
May 18th, 2010, 01:55 AM
Stephen,

I do understand words can be heavy, but why would one ask that they not be said if they are "crippling honesty"? Isn't justice served with honesty?


if they are "Responsible Words" they must be said, otherwise the weight of the irresponsible words could impair others' willingness to write responsibly.
Nellie, the whole point of this piece was inspired by the notion that 'honesty' is the most justice you can serve someone. From my experience of relationships, that isn't the case. Things that are said in moments of high emotion can be detrimental to people long term.

The title 'Responsible Words' is lending the message that the words of the poem are 'responsible', not to say the irresponsible 'cripplingly honest' words are.

vangoghsear
May 18th, 2010, 02:08 AM
Fix the "there" and a couple of other spots and you got a pretty good one here StephenMcG. Good to read you again too, by the way. A little tweaking, nothing too major. Don't loose the essence.

StephenMcG
May 18th, 2010, 02:12 AM
Fix the "there" and a couple of other spots and you got a pretty good one here StephenMcG. Good to read you again too, by the way. A little tweaking, nothing too major. Don't loose the essence.
Yes, I fixed the 'there' Van. Thanks

garza
May 18th, 2010, 04:51 AM
deleted

MaggieG
May 18th, 2010, 06:04 AM
Responsible Words

Words are heavy,
so heavy in fact
they must not be said,
with all their crippling honesty,
keep them in your mouth,
you will serve no one justice
giving them the weight of your words.
Lock them, cease their movement,
for they will live on
in the pit of whomever’ stomach,
and they will not digest,
nor expel as gas,
They will live immortal lives
running through blood of whomever,
circulating and fueling and shaping
minor muscles,
nervus facialis,
the ghostly face will grow
and you will be responsible:
for your words have weight
and they must not be said.

I like this edited version... very much. I think I get it entirely too well also *smiles* I have been told on more than one occasion I am "brutally honest" I have to watch very carefully my tone when talking to people, or the words come off as cruel.

Excellent read :)

StephenMcG
May 18th, 2010, 12:16 PM
Thanks Garza. I appreciate your responses.

JosephB
May 18th, 2010, 12:23 PM
I think it's solid and reads well.

I understand and appreciate the sentiment, although there are situations that demand nothing less than brutal honesty. I also realize that couching things would weaken the poem, so I think it works -- even if it generalizes somewhat.

Nice work.

StephenMcG
May 18th, 2010, 03:51 PM
I think it's solid and reads well.

I understand and appreciate the sentiment, although there are situations that demand nothing less than brutal honesty. I also realize that couching things would weaken the poem, so I think it works -- even if it generalizes somewhat.

Nice work.

Thanks for your comments Joseph.

Although I appreciate that 'brutal honesty' is sometimes necessary, I don't think it's always right to be open to the point where it affects a persons self-esteem, making them feel unnecessarily inadequate, for that sake of not saying the words.

Thanks again.

JosephB
May 18th, 2010, 04:25 PM
Absolutely. And certainly, you can be honest and not be hurtful. It's all about the approach and delivery.

This reminds of the little arrows we sometimes keep in our quivers and draw when we're arguing with loved ones -- comments about past transgressions, known weaknesses or other hot buttons. We do it to hurt or to deflect or protect ourselves. They often have nothing to do with honesty or the real or underlying issues. You can do a lot damage with words, all right.

Chesters Daughter
May 20th, 2010, 12:20 AM
Like Maggie, I have to watch my tongue, being honest is sometimes not the best policy. Joe is entirely correct, though, it depends upon the delivery. Even the most brutal truth can be sugar-coated to make it easier to swallow. I adore the truth of this piece as well as your use of Nervus Facialis. I would have preferred stanzas and think you could remove a word here or there for the sake of economy, but neither of those little things are deal breakers. I enjoyed this very much.

Best,
Lisa