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Nellie
May 15th, 2010, 04:38 PM
Must we take it for granted
each flower that is planted?
We complain of bills to pay,
will tomorrow be another day?
Do we have two eyes that see
heartaches, thinking,"that could be me"?
And our two ears, made to hear,
to listen, what one holds dear.
Most have two legs plus two arms
to walk, to hold or fight what harms,
We can smell with our noses
the sewers or lovely roses,
With our own tongue we can speak
proudly, making each one unique,
All are given this wondrous gift
of Life, at times we need a lift.

SilverMoon
May 15th, 2010, 06:56 PM
Nellie, welcome to WF. You'll meet good folks here with constructive feedback. Enjoy!

Your poem is a strong one, getting across that we must cherish all that has been bestowed us.

Thank God we have the money to pay them. That's what I tell myself!

We complain of bills to pay

I'm not one who rhymes. How many times I've tried. It's just not my gift. But I see and hear to little areas you might want to consider tidying up.

It's a given that we smell through our noses. Tinker with these two lines, I'd suggest.

We can smell with our noses
the sewers or lovely roses

Something is off the "beat" here. I think it's the inclusion of "of Life". Maybe something else to play around with.

All are given this wondrous gift
of Life, at times we need a lift.

I often say "play around with" because writing for me is like a puzzle game. And I happen to be one who loves to edit. Like sculpting.

Hope I've been of some help. Laurie

Nellie
May 15th, 2010, 08:42 PM
Hi Laurie and thanks for inviting me here.

I think you're missing the point I'm trying to make in this poem. These two Lines

We complain of bills to pay,
will tomorrow be another day?
go together. When we bitch and moan about today, think again, because tomorrow is not always promised.

I'll consider the other suggestions. Thanks.

JosephB
May 15th, 2010, 10:45 PM
Hello, and welcome!

I didn't really get that message either. Perhaps you might consider breaking this up into stanzas if there are particular thoughts that should be connected.

I like to rhyme too, but generally reserve it for lyrics. Overall, you do a good job of it.

I'm glad you posted -- and I look forward to seeing more from you,

Cheers.

Martin
May 15th, 2010, 11:43 PM
Hey Nellie, welcome to...

I would say the rhymes in this piece are very forced. I notice it from what I conceive as an awkward use of language and structure, presumably to make the rhymes work. Rhyming is a delicate matter, and unless one has a firm grip on it, I will suggest going for free-verse and hopefully slowly rhyming will evolve into one's pieces.

Nellie
May 18th, 2010, 05:22 PM
Here is my re- written poem:

Must we take each breath for granted
or every grain of wheat that has been planted?
Will tomorrow be another day?
I'm no goddess, I cannot say.

Do we have two eyes that see
what is real or a fantasy?
Our two ears, given to hear,
do they listen, or disappear?

With our own tongue we can speak
calmly, the truth we forever seek,
As this Gift of Life is given
in colors, shapes, lies serious misgivings.

Pete_C
May 18th, 2010, 05:51 PM
Hello Nellie. Can I start off by saying that minute you centered you poem, you pretty much removed the reader's ability to exploit what flow is in there. Central justification rarely works, and where line lengths are uneven it's a killer. Our brains are trained to jump to the left-hand edge when we finish a line of text, and if we have to spend a few seconds scrabbling for the start of the next line, the enforce pause kills the rhythm. I know editors that spike work for being centre-aligned without even reading it.

My second point is this: I get the feeling that this is quite a personal piece, and that makes it difficult because you obviously have some sort of emotional attachment. If that is the case, then maybe it needs to be kept personal, and it matters not what else I or anyone thinks.

However, if you are genuinely interested in writing, it's only fair to say that this suffers from the biggest issues of "juvenille" writers (and by that I mean people who are new to writing). The rhymes are forced and at times are jarring in their inevitability. Their predictable nature is emphasised for the wrong reasons because the meter is off significantly in some places.

The subject is indicating some background pain and hurt, but for me, it lacks honesty. That said, your second edit, whilst still flawed, is a serious step forward from your first posting.

If I might be so bold, try writing down exactly what you want to say. Forget others reading it, forget rhymes, forget meter, forget centred text (please forget that bit). In fact, forget poetry (I originally typed pottery by mistake). Then make sure that you are honest, brutally honest, with what you write. If you do that, then you can see the essence of what we want to read. Emotional poetry only works if it hurts. Now, it might hurt, but that hurt isn't there to see. If you can transfer the depth of emotion to the page, then you're halfway there.

Nellie
May 19th, 2010, 01:57 AM
. Can I start off by saying that minute you centered you poem, you pretty much removed the reader's ability to exploit what flow is in there. Central justification rarely works, and where line lengths are uneven it's a killer. Our brains are trained to jump to the left-hand edge when we finish a line of text, and if we have to spend a few seconds scrabbling for the start of the next line, the enforce pause kills the rhythm. I know editors that spike work for being centre-aligned without even reading it.


Pete, I have read many poetry books where the poems are centered and it certainly doesn't remove my, the reader's, ability to achieve the flow. I'll admit, I am still working on the line lengths and meter, but I prefer rhymes because that is what comes to me best, how I can remember best.

So now I will be bold enough to say to you exactly what I want to say. I need to use what comes to me best because I had brain surgery and now I have memory loss and am thankful to still be alive, so rhyme and reason works best. I have trouble remembering what my first lines are sometimes and if I use rhyme, it will come to me quicker. And a lot of the poetry I read here is so depressing, I just wanted everyone to think about life again and not take every breath for granted. Just remember.... Life is a GIFT!! Be thankful for every breath you are given.

SilverMoon
May 19th, 2010, 02:59 AM
Nellie, I hear what you're saying and say work with the best you can offer. There's always room for improvement, as with us all. Don't force yourself into writing what does come natural to you. Keep reading others work and post!
We can learn allot from others work and take in what pleases us.
Take care and dont rush!