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Galivanting
May 12th, 2010, 07:40 PM
I trust in the sacred
heart that heals
the scared soul
of the kids with
crying arms
and bloody
eyes.

If you allow
a moment of peace
within your moments
of helplessness
perhaps you would
learn the definition
of selflessness.

I know the pain
that will not pass.
I hear it in the
voice of A.M.
phone calls,
but knowledge
has never made
anyone feel
what they could call
better,

just more aware.

MaggieG
May 13th, 2010, 01:35 AM
This is the second time someone's poem here has reminded me of Louise Gluck. ( Her being one of my favorite writers, that is a good thing. ) Your ending is very quiet, unassuming, and profound, much like many of her endings. I want to know more here. You have left me curious, and moved.

Gumby
May 13th, 2010, 01:59 AM
This is great, Trent! Each stanza evoked a different feeling and just left me with my mind very still and thinking. :)

JosephB
May 13th, 2010, 12:52 PM
I like the poem, but again, I'm curious about your line breaks -- just what it is your going for. Are you trying to create tension or emphasize certain words or parts of phrases by offsetting them?


I trust in the sacred
heart that heals
the scared soul
of the kids with
crying arms
and bloody
eyes.I'm not suggesting you write like me, but I would like want to make this smoother, for example:

I trust in the sacred heart that heals
the scared soul of kids
with crying arms
and bloody eyes.

However, I'm thinking you might be putting the emphases on "sacred." Because this is strong declaration: "I trust the sacred" and it's interesting in and of itself. That's fine, but by setting that off, I think you sacrifice some readability.

This could be your style, and that's fine. I haven't written much poetry and read even less. I'm a prose guy -- so take this all with a grain of salt. I'm just evaluating it based on how it reads to me.

PS, the above might be stronger if you said "children" instead of "kids."

SilverMoon
May 13th, 2010, 01:16 PM
Trent, I really liked the following. You get across a kind of desperation and lonliness.

I know the pain
that will not pass.
I hear it in the
voice of A.M.
phone calls,

Chesters Daughter
May 13th, 2010, 03:38 PM
I love this message, it's both thought provoking and profound as Maggie has already related. You already know I'm going to lean with Joe regarding the breaks, although I rather like the emphasis on sacred in S1. Because of the depth of this piece, I don't feel it's appropriate for me to rearrange your words without your permission. If you'd like me to, I will, if not, that's fine too, these words speak for themselves no matter how they are grouped. Intriguing piece, G, and as always, a pleasure.

Best,
Lisa

Lorlie
May 13th, 2010, 08:22 PM
Hi there Galivanting,.

This is an evocative piece, I love the simple style of it and enjoyed the read very much,.

Lorlie

Martin
May 14th, 2010, 10:30 AM
Hey Galivanting, long time and grats mate on the conquering of this place...

I really like this piece. To me it holds some deep contemplations, and that's really what I want the most from poetry.

I see people are talking about line-breaks, and something I've learned myself, when writing free verse, is to avoid that invisible wall that sometimes keeps lines from being too lengthy. It's free verse man, if it reads well and makes sense, then lines sticking out are perfectly justified...

Again, I really dig the content in this one. I love the 'crying arms', excellent imagery I'd say. As for second stanza, three first lines are brilliant and the whole stanza holds an important message for most people. I'd take it as a compliment, when Drew says "too preachy"! I mean... just read her last "iAngel"!!! ;-)

A radical suggestion, I would end the poem after second stanza. There I think the energy is best and the message is clear for readers to contemplate.

Nice work man,
Martin