PDA

View Full Version : Where I'll be



Martin
May 7th, 2010, 02:50 PM
Look, a seagull carries hope
with the sun across the sky;
through miles of blue
dreams migrate.

Listen, voiced in the wind
the touch of every gust
begs of you
to loosen your hair.

Await the ocean's depths
for thoughts will surface
like whales,
dive but always surface.

Come inside, get warm
I'll be by the fire
in every flame,
reaching...

Gumby
May 7th, 2010, 03:29 PM
Very nice, Martin! You always manage to get the words to say more than just their meaning. Very much enjoyed this.

Chesters Daughter
May 7th, 2010, 04:41 PM
Oh so sweet, like freshly harvested sugar cane. I don't do sweet, so I rely on others to provide me with my sucrose. You have duly sated me, sir. A few thoughts, I would take out the it after begs in S2, it reads awkwardly as is. I'm not sure about the use of surface twice so closely together in S3, but I can't think of a substitution, perhaps there is none to say the same thing, in which case, it's fine. In S4 I think fire would work better than fires. I simply love that stanza, what a great image it conjured. Great to have you back, Martin, I've missed your unique style.

Best,
Lisa

MaggieG
May 8th, 2010, 04:34 AM
Cold?
Go inside, get warm
I'll be by the fires
in every flame,
reaching...

Adore the ending here :)

Much enjoyed read

Achilles
May 8th, 2010, 05:45 AM
Martin,

This was a good read. Thanks for sharing, bro.

I especially like the line, "dive but always surface." Way to extend the metaphor once more.

Not sure about "by the fire/in the flames." Just seemed like if you're in the flames you'd be in the fire too. Maybe just another look at the prepositions there would clear it up.

cheers

Ben

MsLokita
May 8th, 2010, 01:08 PM
Very much enjoyed! I cannot pick a favorite stanza - I prefer them all!

MsL

Martin
May 8th, 2010, 01:50 PM
Thanks everyone for your comments.

Lisa, your nits should be taken care of, except the surface one. I was hoping that line be one of those rare cases, where the repetition is justified by an elaborated meaning.

Ben, it seems you liked the repetition of surface, I'm glad to hear. You may have a point in regard to last stanza; "by the fire, in the flames, reaching", is just specifying more and more really. I thought myself that stanza was a little low on content compared to the others... I'll think about further changes.

In general I wanted the poem to be about a boy's aching and a girl's waiting materialising in the world around them. Further, with the sea theme, I wanted to imply there's a sea between them, but I don't know if that shows...

Again, thanks to all, much appreciated.

Martin

wackerob
May 8th, 2010, 05:59 PM
A very nice poetic piece of writing Martin. Although I am used to rhyming poems this piece of work is very interesting and worth reading again.

Martin
May 9th, 2010, 10:25 PM
Thanks very much wackerob. It's been a while since I've written, so nice to get some good feedback.

TruthSeeker
May 11th, 2010, 01:30 PM
lovely! this is nice, a very nice piece

JosephB
May 11th, 2010, 01:40 PM
Very, nice. I really like the simplicity of it.

Now, I know I'm being picky and you've likely worked through this, but you've got three nice verbs that work as commands, that establish a flow and rhythm and then -- "Cold?" It just seems a little weak, especially in the context of what follows. Is there something that would work better? I don't know.

EDIT: OK, how about "Come"



Come,
inside, get warm
I'll be by the fire
in every flame,
reaching...Or maybe not.

Martin
May 11th, 2010, 09:07 PM
Truthseeker, thank you.

Joseph, I like your suggestion. Thanks man.

I've posted this piece on another site as well, and it has received very mixed reactions. So in the end I'm quite unsure of how well it actually works. I'm pleased though, to see it works for some people here.

Thanks again all for your comments.

Chesters Daughter
May 11th, 2010, 09:19 PM
Perfect! I, too, noticed the switch, but didn't mention it because it worked for me. The command works better, wise choice, love.

Galivanting
May 12th, 2010, 07:56 PM
i wasnt prepared for the commands when i first started reading an thus had to re read to get the cadence down properly.

the ending works well with joe's suggestion, im not sure what it was before hand but i like it as is now.

s3 is my favorite

enjoyed it, thanks for posting

Martin
May 14th, 2010, 10:35 AM
Thanks. I'm glad you got the cadence down, I actually did a little rewrite because of crits concerning the commands, but I'm so biased now I think I need some time away from the piece, before settling on anything. I'm very glad you liked the third stanza the most, that's my favourite as well.

Cheers,