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arkayye
March 21st, 2010, 02:14 PM
`




There are no strings -
feel free to check it out,
ignore the mechanism
that moves my jaw about.

Watch me mouth words,
listen with an open ear
this dummy has a voice,
loud enough for all to hear

There are no strings -
except the chains that bind
release those stoppers
to free that stubborn mind.




`

SilverMoon
March 21st, 2010, 10:03 PM
Delighed to read. On another site I've been following the novel of a new take on Pinocchio. So, puppets have been on my mind. Humankind has been on my mind.


find
this dummy has a voice,
though it is not his own.


I hear a voice which says "I've been desensitized"

Sometimes, it's always the succinct poems which have so many poignant things to say. Thank you for the read, Laurie

MisterSpider
March 25th, 2010, 05:53 AM
It's just begging for an end rhyme. The first stanza has one and so should the last, because it sounds off without one. A short poem like this should close with a snap; instead, we're left wondering if there's more.

That said, I wish it was pithier and the line break in line 6 is poor. "find" should find itself on the next line.

This works as a practice piece only, but now you know what to practice.

arkayye
February 25th, 2011, 04:40 AM
Sad that MisterSpider doesn't seem currently active to witness the revision of this poem. Ah well....