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Ilasir Maroa
October 28th, 2009, 05:57 AM
In the black, on the cold sharp floor,
she sings the storm-song,
of birds and clouds,
and of the little girl in the sky,
who is all alone.

When the stones begin to steam,
she knows it is morning;
when the stones
sing her to sleep,
in harsh creaking chords,

the sun-thief is stealing upward,
behind her murky grey screen.
The crickets scrape their strings
in chittering anticipation
of the sea-king’s breath,

and, through the shattered veins,
a salty tang
parches her sweet lips;
they are cracked and peeling,
two bright streaks of scarlet.

MTMarshall
October 30th, 2009, 05:53 PM
You know I've read this a few times and still don't know why I'm not taken. I love that the title is in the piece. It's a good clear short and memorable title as well giving the reader a nice clue as to what to expect. Everything a title should be.......Now what's up with how I'm hearing this???? I think its because for some reason I don't hear your voice here or rather the voice that I've somewhat grown accustomed to hearing in your pieces. I'll have to come back to this again maybe I will make more sense then. I do like the idea here regardless.... It's as if I want it to pick up a bit in the middle to stanzas and really leave me on the verge of that storm at the end.... I don't know what I'm saying at this point as my brain's still heavily clogged due to allergies the winds stirred up and that this may just be a result of that....I'll read this piece a few more times at least when all's clear here. I'm sure it must be me that's just not thinking or hearing correctly...

Ilasir Maroa
July 4th, 2010, 06:30 AM
My goal was to build up to just before the storm broke, but maybe I should have tried to put the entire storm in...

MeeQ
July 4th, 2010, 01:33 PM
I like the weather, it stirs more emotions in me than most daily things. I find many a poet under-appreciate it's unpredictability and power.
But your poem gives it prowess; a beautiful mystery.

The last stanza is easily my favourite. (But to be general, the last stanza in all poems is the best)

But if i have any critique, which is hardly anything to really consider. in the second stanza third line, i find myself re-reading (obviously breaking the flow). I think it's the 'But'. It just, makes me pause and re-consider. All i noticed.

Always a pleasure to read, always a pleasure.

SilverMoon
July 4th, 2010, 03:04 PM
but maybe I should have tried to put the entire storm in...
Oh, no! As MeeQ said there is a beautiful mystery going on here which is very powerful. You take the calm before the storm and turn it into music!

Normally, I'm not a fan of "nature poems" but you bring in the human element which renders a deeper poem. And your imagery is just out of this world!

After Reading MeeQ's observation in S2, S3 , I gave it some thought. As an example, I replaced "but" with "though" for a softer sound, which I think might compliment your piece.

When the stones begin to steam,
she knows it is morning;
though when the stones
sing her to sleep,
in harsh creaking chords,

This is my favorite line!

the sun-thief is stealing upward,

Ilisar, I love your verse! Please come back with more! Laurie

Ilasir Maroa
July 4th, 2010, 05:46 PM
"but" dropped, MeeQ. You were right. Much better without.

Gumby
July 6th, 2010, 06:16 PM
the sun-thief is stealing upward,
behind her murky grey screen.
The crickets scrape their strings
in chittering anticipation
of the sea-king’s breath,

This one was my favorite, I love the image of the crickets here.
Wonderful poem!

Firemajic
November 5th, 2011, 01:01 PM
This is gorgeous, mysterious, and intriguing.. Love all the visuals going on here. 3rd stanza--breathtaking , I truly love your style of writing,and as always--a real pleasure to read. Peace...Jul

Jeko
November 7th, 2011, 05:21 PM
Wow.

The atmosphere there is thicker than a Mcdonald's milkshake. I love your lexical choice: 'The crickets scrape their strings'. The sensory imagery there is fantastic.

shedpog329
November 17th, 2011, 02:27 AM
i liked the way you put this together, the urning for something so simple such as a storm
i think that you could add more inbetween here as well, more description between the days

good stuff