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angelnafees
August 15th, 2008, 02:05 PM
In the darkness of woods,
I saw a man, with long hairs and beard,
Who wants to find out the truth of Nature.
But one day he realized
What he had learned was nothing except copying someone.
He shed tears and become disheartened.
He thought he had learned nothing
And will never be learned.

But one day,
He was being learned by philosophy - the true knowledge.
He was gratified again
And he continued his journey with a new life,
With a new passion of learning wisdom.
Finally one day he achieved his goals
Then he died peacefully and joyfully.

Damien.
August 15th, 2008, 02:07 PM
I liked it.

Triquediqual
August 15th, 2008, 06:00 PM
Damien, what use is that for a critique, that won't help the poet there.
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Regardless, this is a clichéd attempt at a poem, an old man going through life and dying, I even wrote one sometime before. I think it reads better as a short story than a poem, no real meaning, bad usage of words and it's just bland and meaningless. There's no poetic emphasis, read some more poetry and analyze more techniques that can help you convey meaning and understanding, rather than slamming down a clichéd fact that's been used 1000 times before.

Damien.
August 15th, 2008, 11:56 PM
And your post helped?

Great imagery. There. Don't capitalize every line.

JHB
August 16th, 2008, 12:48 AM
I'm no expert, but it seems pretty good to me! :thumbr:

MysticDreams
August 16th, 2008, 02:28 AM
I liked it. It reflected the cycle of life in a very well written way. I have to re-edit my own poems to take out the capitals in every line. I think I got it someplace in my head that, that was the correct way to write it. I'm not expert, and so I don't really comment too much on things at this point. However, I enjoy everything I read. It all has so much life to it.

Feed me more!

Myst

Damien.
August 16th, 2008, 03:01 AM
There's this bit where you overuse the word learning. And fix the caps, but I still like it.

angelnafees
August 21st, 2008, 06:20 PM
well thanks every body for commenting on my poem.

i will post my other poems very soon...

its my favorite poem cuz naturally i love philosophy too much. and i am a student of philosophy. what you people think abt philosophy?

kissmekneedeep
August 21st, 2008, 06:27 PM
I don't think this is very good at all.
The grammar is a mess, and there's no flow to this--it's just choppy and awkward. As for the subject, even if you had executed it well it would be cliche...this is not only terribly cliche, but very poorly done.

Honestly, I would scrap this.

Wishing4Rain
August 21st, 2008, 07:08 PM
This looks like a plotline for a story to me, short or novel. Not really a poem, I have to agree with Kissmekneedeep. Scrap it. I can't say anything that hasn't been said already.

- Wishing

angelnafees
August 22nd, 2008, 03:26 PM
Kissmekneedeep thanks too much for criticising me. I deserve it cuz i am not an English speaker. I live in a small village in pakistan where education has no value to people. Our language is Torwali but our national language is Urdu.

As I am 16 years old so i have learnt a little bit about english literature. But i will improve in my further years.....

comma127
September 26th, 2008, 05:20 AM
are u frikkin serious? for a non- english speaker that's awesome!

angelnafees
May 18th, 2010, 01:40 PM
thanks cooma127?????

Martin
May 18th, 2010, 02:00 PM
Hey Nafees (if that's your name?)

I see you've bumped up an almost two year old piece. I think you should leave this behind as it is so old, and I must agree with the critique, that this piece reads very poorly as a poem. However, since it's so long ago I'd love to see you write and post some new work. No doubt you can do a lot better, even if you haven't been practising. Philosophy and poesy are definitely good friends :)

I'm myself also not a native English speaker, though where I'm from the English language is used a lot.

Kind regards,
Martin

angelnafees
March 13th, 2015, 10:42 AM
It seems too odd to reply to this thread after a very long time. But now let me try to put in something new.

QDOS
March 13th, 2015, 12:54 PM
angelnafees – as a second language and for a sixteen year old in 2008 your English did you credit. I wonder if you manage to pursue your interest in Philosophy. I suspect written in Torwali or Urdu it would lose some of it awkwardness in term of its English presentation. However a little tidying up it would be an acceptable freeform verse. Actually with my Philosophers hat on I liked it. Look forward to seeing new works and how you might have matured. See below for my suggestions on this old one.

A Philosopher's Life
In the darkness of the woods,
I saw a man, with long hairs and a beard.
He wanted to find out the truth of Nature.
Then one day he realized,
What he had learned was nothing just copying from others.
He shed tears and become disheartened.
He thought he had learned nothing,
And would never be someone knowledgeable.


But one day,
He was taught philosophy - the true knowledge.
He was at once gratified,
And he continued his journey with a new life,
With a new passion for learning.
Finally he achieved his goal of true wisdom,
And so he died peacefully and joyfully.

QDOS