Thread: Your view on which sounds best please

Hi. I am a little uncertain which paragraph I should use here. I think I know which is best but seem reluctant to make a choice. Would appreciate your input.

Background - the character is trying to escape his father and some others from his home city. Sounds a bit cliche but he's about to jump from a cliff:

Ist - He gave his father one last glance before he turned on his feet and began running as fast as he could toward the edge of the cliff. Sarah screamed his name, and his father shouted protests, but they faded to nothing as he reached the edge and leapt off, pushing his body far out into the moist air.
His stomach flew before gravity took hold. A humid breeze rushed up his face. The clouds of vapour disappeared. He pulled in his arms. The river grew wider. He drew a breath. The air was gone…

2nd - He gave his father one last glance before he turned on his feet. Then his legs took him, faster and faster over the rocky clearing. As the edge drew near Sarah screamed. His father shouted. But their voices faded to nothing as he leapt, pushing himself as far as he could out into the moist air. His stomach flew before the Earth pulled him. A humid breeze rushed up his face. He pulled in his arms. The river grew wider. Then the air was gone…

I know there's not much difference but please give your thoughts. Thanks Rob

Not much between them. I have a preference for someone running rather than their legs taking them, if that helps, but if I'm honest, I'm not in love with either version.

Turned on his feet - On what else would he turn? A Lazy Susan. If he is falling, it isn't a breeze, it is slipstream. You could cut it down a bit, maybe something like this:


He gave his father one last glance before he turned and ran as fast as he could toward the edge of the cliff. Sarah screamed his name, and his father echoed the cries, but they faded to nothing as he reached the edge and leapt far out into the moist air. The humid air rushed past his face, the clouds of vapour disappeared, as he pulled in his arms the river seemed to grow wider. He drew a breath. The air was gone…

You are of course at liberty to ignore any and all suggestions...

Thanks. What is a Lazy Susan?

Originally Posted by Robdemanc

Thanks. What is a Lazy Susan?

It's a tray with a ballrace and base underneath so that you can set it in the middle of the dining table and spin it round to retrieve whatever is on the other side that you can't reach. A certain Susan at some point, presumably, having been too lazy to get up and reach across...

Okay, you asked for thoughts so don't hate me for them. Remember they're free and you can return them at any time. Both of these paragraphs are too wordy. Why does that matter? Because the person reading this can only think about wading through the excess words, not about what you're trying to convey.


He gave his father one last glance, turned, ran, and leaped, leaving their voices behind. A perfect moment and then gravity was all that mattered, he reached for the water and grabbed a breath just as the icy cold slapped him and squeezed, threatening to take it away.

From how you had this written I imagine you've already set the scene. We know he's on a cliff, we know he's got Dad and Sarah trying to get him to come back, and there's no real reason to overstate these things. Notice that I haven't abandoned description entirely. He's still hearing their voices, he's still leaping from the cliff, there is still a weightless feeling before he drops, and the water is cold and punishing him a bit for diving from a height. This is just how I might rewrite it, there are a myriad of ways to do so.

Originally Posted by Bloggsworth

It's a tray with a ballrace and base underneath so that you can set it in the middle of the dining table and spin it round to retrieve whatever is on the other side that you can't reach. A certain Susan at some point, presumably, having been too lazy to get up and reach across...

I never knew it was called that.

Originally Posted by Foxee

Okay, you asked for thoughts so don't hate me for them. Remember they're free and you can return them at any time. Both of these paragraphs are too wordy. Why does that matter? Because the person reading this can only think about wading through the excess words, not about what you're trying to convey.


He gave his father one last glance, turned, ran, and leaped, leaving their voices behind. A perfect moment and then gravity was all that mattered, he reached for the water and grabbed a breath just as the icy cold slapped him and squeezed, threatening to take it away.

From how you had this written I imagine you've already set the scene. We know he's on a cliff, we know he's got Dad and Sarah trying to get him to come back, and there's no real reason to overstate these things. Notice that I haven't abandoned description entirely. He's still hearing their voices, he's still leaping from the cliff, there is still a weightless feeling before he drops, and the water is cold and punishing him a bit for diving from a height. This is just how I might rewrite it, there are a myriad of ways to do so.

I don't hate any criticism. I see what you mean about wordy. All of the story is wordy at the moment, I am just finalising the story events and plot etc. Now I am trying to move myself into edit mode and start doing copy edit of the text.

The paragraphs I posted come at the end of a page or two of suspense, it is not just his father and Sarah on the cliff, there are other rivals wanting him to go with them too. He is drugged and the final paragraph tells the reader what he decided to do (escape the lot of them).

You have given me food for thought and so too did bloggsworth. Cheers

It's wordy, as you say, so far, but it's also a little choppy. What I like best about Bloggsworth's revision is that the sentences are long.

In my mind, these longer sentences have the effect of slowing down time as you read, which seems appropriate for dramatic situation like this. Short sentences speed it up, but that's not entirely good here, I would argue.

I suppose it might matter whether he dies from this or whether the action gets more exciting.

Originally Posted by j.w.olson

It's wordy, as you say, so far, but it's also a little choppy. What I like best about Bloggsworth's revision is that the sentences are long.

In my mind, these longer sentences have the effect of slowing down time as you read, which seems appropriate for dramatic situation like this. Short sentences speed it up, but that's not entirely good here, I would argue.

I suppose it might matter whether he dies from this or whether the action gets more exciting.

I see what you mean. You think its best to slow time down at the point he jumps? I always thought it best to speed it up because he is going fast. He doesn't die. I need to practice making my sentences longer because most of my work has short sentences. But I can see how it would work best at the point he goes over the cliff the sentences should lengthen to give the impression that from the characters pov time will suddenly slow down. Does that sound right?

One thing I should probably mention is before the paragraph, it is not clear to the reader what he is going to do. He has two other options other than jumping and so its only in that paragraph they will see which choice he made.

What Foxee says certainly, however this is unlikely to be the only occasion that you find yourself with this sort of dilemma, so a tactic to use on future occasions. Basically it is what you said in the title of the thread 'which sounds best'. There is always something of mechanical perfection about typewritten work that can be deceiving, read it out loud, or, even better, get someone else to read it out to you. You know in advance where the emphasis lies, what the tone should be etc. It is very illuminating to hear what a stranger to it makes of it.

I don't know what we did before the 'like' button!

Off Topic:

We "added to the user's reputation".

Originally Posted by Olly Buckle

What Foxee says certainly, however this is unlikely to be the only occasion that you find yourself with this sort of dilemma, so a tactic to use on future occasions. Basically it is what you said in the title of the thread 'which sounds best'. There is always something of mechanical perfection about typewritten work that can be deceiving, read it out loud, or, even better, get someone else to read it out to you. You know in advance where the emphasis lies, what the tone should be etc. It is very illuminating to hear what a stranger to it makes of it.

Great advice thanks. I have been alone with this work for a year so am probably too closely wrapped up in what I have typed out.

Thank you everyone. You have enabled me to move forward with this paragraph which was starting to irritate me over the last week or so.