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Seeing as I'm currently working on the first draft of my first novel for the first time, I'm clearly qualified to educate you on the little known industry-secrets in creating fiction so compelling it literallly makes your readers scream out in ecstasy as they read. Hearing someone yell something like "Oh, yes!" and "Pull my hair, you dirty ape!" is, as we all well know, a common occurance in local bookstores. This is a sign of good writing.
But how does one create a piece of fiction that is so great? With these simple tips that popular authors such as Nathaniel Portsmin and Adrienne Goobledoff have known for CENTURIES.
1) Disregard spelling. If there's one thing a reader HATES, it's properly spelled words. All this does is say to the reader that you, as a writer, aren't creative enough tu ryte with staiyul.
2) Capitalization is also a huge no-no. Things can get boring very fast if every sentence starts with a predictable capital letter. Mix things up! start sentences in lower case, then when the reader is least-expecting it, whAm! you thrOw in somE capItal letTers anD knoCk theiR panTs ofF!
3) Readers also hate wearing pants. Everybody hates pants. So make sure all your characters share the same perspective. For example:
John walked into the room and noticed the bloody sword hanging on the wall. His eyes grew wide. He looked at Kate and screamed, "God, I hate my pants!"
The reader will feel an instant affinity for John, for here is a character who understands her.
4) Readers hate plots that are realistic. If a character is shot in the arm, nothing is worse than having the character yell out in pain. It's predictable. It's boring. Do something unexpected, like having the character yell "woohoo!" and then do some cartwheels. The reader will say to himself, "now THIS is good stuff."
5) Ducks. Adorable, waddling, fluffy little quacking ducks. Insert them at some point in your novel, then have all of your characters rush into the scene and begin stomping on the ducks. Martin Scorcese does this in all of his movies, to great effect.
6) Mix genres as much as humanly possible. If you're writing a Romance set in the 18th century, you better be sure there are time-travelling robots in it, or your reader will get frustrated and yell out "WHERE ARE THE ROBOTS?!"
7) Women love gore. Lots and lots of gore. Intestines and distended eyeballs and big, gaping wounds that ooze and smell of decay. If you want to keep your female readers interested, be sure to focus at least one scene on graphic description of gruesome bodily injuries. Preferably in the middle of a steamy sex scene.
Extrapolate through gigantic extraneous verbiage. Readers hate easy reading. They want to be challenged! They want to wrack their brains and pull their hair out in frustration when they try to understand what the author is saying. Grab a thesaurus, and replace as many words in your manuscript as you can find with the longest multi-syllabic synonyms offered. You will pistol-fire to the apex of the New York Times greatest merchant list.
9) Brag alot in your novel. Even if it isn't in first person. That doesn't matter. The reader needs to be assured that the author is great in something. If you aren't great in anything, make something up! Then brag about it in the middle of an important scene. This solidifies the importance of the scene. For example:
Evan kneeled at the gravestone. The sky was darker now, the clouds that gathered added to the confusion of his soul. Where could he go from here? He had lost the only person that really understood him. I won a chili-pepper-eating contest once. I didn't even drink anything after, either. I just said "so, what, was it supposed to be spicy?" Evan sighed and stood, brushing the soil from his pants. He looked at the dark patch of fabric where the water had seeped through, and he knew things would be different from here on out. Oh yeah, and I took my trophy and threw it in the river, because I'm awesome like that.
When the reader understands how super great you are, your writing will instantly appear better, and your reader will like you more, too.
10) There must always be one zombie in every story. This is a rule Alfred Hitchcock discovered, and one that is as constant as the laws of gravity. In fact, it's probably more lawful than the laws of gravity. In order for a story to be successful, a character must die and then come back to life, slightly decomposed and craving human flesh. Always. There are NO exceptions. Except for actual Zombie-related stories. In those, it's vital that there be no zombies at all. Ever. Being unpredictable is your greatest weapon as a writer.
11) Use the CAPS LOCK KEY whenever you want to EMPHASIZE something. How else is the reader to know it's important? Use exclamation marks, too. The more, the better. Also be sure to REPEAT things for even greater emotional impact. Sometimes your reader isn't paying attention, and you need to restate the obvious in case he was looking away or on the toilet. He will thank you for the reminders. For example:
The BIG DOG RAN FAST towards Adam! It was a BIG DOG and it was RUNNING FAST. And it was running TOWARDS ADAM, BIGLY! Adam was being RUN TOWARDS by a BIG DOG! BIG DOG RUN, ADAM! !!!!! FAST !!!! ....!
You see how exciting that was? That was probably the greatest paragraph ever written, right there. Now you know how I did it.
12) Introduce characters and make them disappear from the story without warning, and never bring them back or explain why they left. For example:
Michelle knew the key was somewhere in that room. But she had looked everywhere. It was not in the drawers, it wasn't in the file cabinet. She had even sprawled to the floor and looked under the bed. Where could he have hidden it? Suddenly, Michelle disappeared in a puff of smoke. Richard walked into the room and yawned. He was tired, but this was no time for sleeping. There was a killer on the loose, and Richard was the only man capable of hunting him down.
This is the secret to creating suspense. Readers don't care about things like logic or believability. Where did Michelle go? Who knows! That's the beautiful thing about it. The readers will NEVER KNOW. And that is exactly what readers want! They want to be so confused. So confused that it makes them angry. In fact, a survey of 100 readers was done several years ago, and one of the questions asked was, "If you could have one wish, what would it be?" 107 participants answered "I would wish to be confused so much that it makes me furious." The numbers don't lie.
So there you have it. Follow these twelve steps and you will become the greatest author in the history of the universe.*
You may know some other tips that even I, a world-champion snail-tickler, haven't discovered. If so, feel free to share them! Or, if you like, hoard them in a big pile and scream, "mine! All mine!" You greedy bastard.
Happy Writing!
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Originally Posted by KyleColorado
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