Thread: What do you think (no other author writes like this)

this is the first two paragraphs of one of my novel tell me if you think it is good.

Deep in the pools and wells of the springs of life , dwells the most dangerous of all creatures to ever exist. It is the most powerful being in all existance and is the protector of all life. It watches over all existance, protecting,interfering, maintaining and separating all good beings from all evil beings, destroying all evil anywhere and everywhere it is found and saving all good anywhere and everywhere it is in need. The innocent thoughts of a all the innocent children in existance pool and dwell in the springs of life. Where all innocent thoughts pool and dwell in the springs of life they columinate at him him right in the center. He is guardian over all the innocent childrens thoughts,he is guardian over all their minds in both sleeping and waking states. He is also Guardian over all life in dreams and waking, he is the first line in defense against all evil and the one you deal with when and if you are evil.


He sleeps in the waters watching over all dreams. If any evil is attempted or even intentioned in dreams he is awakened and immidiately goes out and kills all the evil dreamers.He traps them in their dreams and makes dream worlds for them to live on separating them from the others leaving them unable to stop him from killing them in their real lives and unaware, there he plays with them and destroys them. While in the dream worlds you are awake as if you had woken up and life there is the same to you as real life woken up. In fact that is what it is supposed to seem like, exactly like real life. While you are there you think you have woken up, it seems the exact same when in fact, if you are the evil dreamer being trapped, your real body has been killed by him and are being trapped and tricked, so as you cannot effect the outside world, outside of the dream worlds or disturbe any of the beings, their mind or bodys.

To be perfectly honest...no. It comes to this, why do I care. What reason have you provided for me to read it? It's pretty much an info dump and has nothing to grab the attention and hold it. You're starting with an explanation of some godlike being that does something to someone for some reason, and sadly, I've read about a few. This is where the 'show don't tell' phrase comes in. As in, wait till someone is face to face with it and then I might have some interest, if the character I've been following to that point has pulled me along. There are plenty of new writers that write like this, I've probably got a document or two with something just as dull aging on my hard drives. I'd probably delete it before letting anyone read it, but...moving on.

The next is the words themselves, the sentences. Read it out loud. Listen to the sound of it. Record yourself reading it then listen to it. Words should flow. Any place you find your tongue stumbling to get the words out smoothly, that needs to be fixed. Complicated writing makes for complicated reading, or more usually, someone putting the book down and never picking it back up again.