Thread: The story’s written in 3rd Omni. What’re your thoughts on inclusion of the bold bit?

(This is the start of a new chapter, one which is unconnected to any previous chapter. So there is no more context than what you see here.)

* * *

‘Double-five-seven, eighteen Mayfield.’

‘Double-five seven.’

If Morgan believed in serendipity or karma or fate he would have been able to look back on this seemingly insignificant two-way radio exchange between the despatcher and himself as the point where his life began to take a vastly different direction.

Within ninety seconds he (or Morgan, without the paragraph above) arrived at the given address, where the intending passenger, waiting on the front veranda, now made his way to the taxi.

* * *

(The story then goes on to describe how after taking this guy to the airport, the driver picks up another fare who becomes MC2 in the story)

Anyway, what say you about the bold bit?

Sounds like a cool story, Ox. I think there should be a comma in there to give a bit of a flow break. After fate's a good place.

his life began to take a vastly different direction.

I'd look at the wording here. Often I find "began to" or "started to" before verbs unnecessary, which is worth looking at here. Axing "vastly" isn't a bad idea either.

Good points, Royal Dutch Airline. Thanks.

Originally Posted by The Backward OX

Anyway, what say you about the bold bit?

The thread title says 'inclusion', I'd say yes. It gives a bit more tension and importance to the next bit. I wouldn't have it in bold though. I'd also try for an easier read. i.e. 'Serendipity, Karma, fate; if Morgan believed...'
Yours is okay though, could just be a style thing.


'...the given address, [description here of the address] where the waiting customer [He's not a passenger yet] stood quickly and hurried to Morgan's taxi.'

That's just a suggestion as it seemed wordy and a bit lame. I'd try and put life into it - perhaps the customer is being picked up from a run-down house yet he's in a smart suit. Perhaps the other way round.


I know you're only asking about the bold stuff but I thought I'd give you a bonus!

Thanks, spidey. The additional suggestions are good. I think you may have misunderstood bold. The only reason I did that was so it would stand out for forum readers; it's not intended to be part of the format of the finished work.

Is your concern that you might be slipping out of 3rd omni and into 3rd limited from Morgan's POV? I do not see that problem. I think you are fine. It remains in 3rd omni.

Originally Posted by C.M. Aaron

Is your concern that you might be slipping out of 3rd omni and into 3rd limited from Morgan's POV? I do not see that problem. I think you are fine. It remains in 3rd omni.

That's what I really needed to hear. Thanks.

Since it's omnicient, perhaps instead of saying it's "seemingly insignificant," you tell how the character feels it's "seemingly insignificant." The way I'm thinking about this, it's an address and other than the fact that part of the number was repeated to ensure the receiver got it down, he must hear scores of addresses every day.

If I picked up your book and read your proffered text, I'd accept it as is, and would appreciate the inclusion of the bold portion.