Thread: Subtle Writing Fails to Engage Reader.

My first go at an LM was a mess, The Barbarians Are Coming was a far too ambitious attempt at a theme of ordinary people caught up in war.


My second was Yesterday, the prompt was more or less ignored and I had no theme just a death bed conversation.



The Gecko was based on a quote, 'now everyone has a camera phone and the internet it will be impossible to keep many secrets.' And as many jokes and puns as I could squeeze in.


My fourth is Luna, and it is the most complex work I have done. Mind you in hindsight I have overdone the commas.


628 words.
Luna.
(Latin for moon, root of lunatic, peoples behaviour is influenced by phases of the moon, first hint).



The clang as the final eight feet of fire escape dropped woke me from a light doze. I sat in the dark listening to the sounds of someone climbing six floors to the roof, my roof.


As the boy stepped off the ladder he was lit by a hunters moon,(second hint) I recognized him, just one of the many kids I get to see during my working day.



He walked slowly across to where he could look down over the schools' main entrance.


“Hello,” I said, startling him.
“Jesus!” He swung around and stared into the shadows cast by vents and stuff. (First person internal monologue is casual to contrast with more formal speech patterns).“Who the hell are you?”



I switched my lamp on. “The caretaker.” In the shadow of the largest vent I sat on my camping chair, beside an upturned crate and a small telescope.(Stage setting).



“Fancy a coffee?” I asked, trying to head off a panicked leap into the next world.(Hint at boys' purpose)

“Coffee?” His mind was all over the place.
“Yep, I have milk and sugar if you want it.”
“You're not angry?”
“What for? The health and safety people would have a fit if they knew I was up here, but it is the best place to do a bit of stargazing.” I had stopped him, he was not the sort to end it all with an audience. (second hint at boys' purpose).

“Sure, milk two sugars,” he said.


I poured two cups from my thermos, and put his on the crate. I took a sip from mine, careful to hold it with both hands. (Non threatening body language).“The night sky is a fascinating thing, even with a small telescope you can get to see some true wonders of creation, but that is not always why I am here.”(Hint at Caretakers' purpose).

The boy was hesitant in his movements, but he came over and picked up his cup. “Why are you here?”


“Do you think God made a mistake?” (Blatant dodge of question).

“What?”
“God, the great creator, who made the stars I look at, who made you and me.” Gotta be subtle, the dumb ones very rarely come up here, and the smart ones can figure it out for themselves.(Direct hint at the Caretaker being manipulative).

“I'm not sure God exists.”
“So where were you intending to go?”
“Uh, nowhere.”
“Just wanting to make it stop.” Crunch time. (Highly dubious over terminology, but brevity won out).“It's funny how someone can find the courage to end it all, but can't face their problems.”(First key point).

“You have no idea what it's like.”


Time to lay a new path. “Every now and then someone like Joker passes through this school.” I could see him start slightly. “Mostly a boy, very rarely a girl. They have what the papers call charisma, I call it being a bastard. They know what emotional levers to pull, all the psychological buttons, and they push and pull just because they can. Teachers, pupils, parents and total strangers are all puppets to them.”(Second key point).



“Everyone thinks he's wonderful.”
“It's people like him who persuade kids to strap on explosives and find a crowd to die in.”(Reiteration of second key point).



I could see a change in him. “One thing to think on, it says in the bible ' For Evil To Prosper, Good Men Should Do Nothing.”(Changing from psychological crisis to new purpose and meaning in life).

“Thank you,” he said.
“I'm glad you enjoyed the coffee, now buzz off home and get some sleep.”
“G'night.”


*As I listened to the boy climbing back to the ground, I felt my throat tightening, tears welling from my eyes, a deep cloud of sadness swallowing me up.



In the moonlight a silver shadow of a young girl stood on the parapet, an echo of a thought filled me up, 'I'm so lonely.'


“I'm sorry, but he was not meant for you.”*



(I listen to talk radio a lot, and there are some stunning documentaries. I listened to one on suicide that was fascinating. A large number take place at only a few places; like Beachy Head or Clifton suspension bridge. Why? The belief is copy cat behaviour. I invented the call of a lonely ghost.



So there we are, the Caretaker was there not by accident he was on duty).

Hi Bazz

It was interesting to read this, not so much for what you wrote, but that you thought it necessary to write it. I've just tracked down the message I sent to you after reading Luna, to make sure I wasn't contradicting what I'd said before, and my comments were as I remembered them. I said I especially liked the ending because, to me, there was a little ambiguity, though I get the feeling now it wasn't meant to be ambiguous, and if the readers take from the story something other than that which you intended, so be it, it doesn't mean it hasn't been enjoyed or well-written.

A few months ago I watched a BBC series called Faulks on Fiction, in which Sebastian Faulks studied famous novels, and especially their characters, dissecting them and so forth. Heathcliff's motive was such and such, and he would suggest that Jane Austen meant for the reader to get this from the novel, and Bronte meant for the reader to get that, and I just thought, HOW DO YOU KNOW?

I suppose what I'm saying is write for yourself, and if anyone else gets something from it then brilliant, and if they don't, well, you need a more intellectual reader to get those subtle hints you point out here. It's something I'm conscious of when I'm reading, thinking am I getting this, are there more layers to this than I'm seeing, and in the end I just enjoy the story, or otherwise, for what it is, and take it at face value.

And the title of this thread reads like a tabloid headline.

Regards

Scott

Hi Scott,
Ta for the post.
My journey from where I started to now, only a egotistical fool would think anyone would be interested.

I am beginning to see that every individual reader takes a different view on what is offered. I see a similarity between those little documentary's you find on dvd's where the director or designer talk about all the detail they put in for a two minute scene, yet no one sees the detail, and where I seem to be heading. It can be mildly frustrating when I have been really clever and no one notices. I will have to get over it.

Your point about writing for your own pleasure is very valid, I am printing it out and sticking it over my nvq certificate for tying my own shoelaces.

I love tabloid headlines, I had toyed with the idea of a thread on them but I have no technical knowledge to back it up. Ho Hum.

As ever you have provided me with valuable insight and wise words, now I must go and remove my head from my bum and move on.
Regards
Andy

There's a balance, between "writing for yourself" and considering a wider audience. I often reconsider bits if I'm concerned that I may be talking to myself. It doesn't matter how clever I think it is if no one else gets it.

If "writing for yourself" means that you consider yourself as typical of the audience your trying to reach, and that's your base line -- well I think that's OK. But I think you can carry that too far.

Personally, I found the beginning confusing. For example, from reading the first sentence I assumed the PoV character was asleep in bed and sat up to listen to someone climbing outside their apartment block, then I wondered how they could see the boy step off the ladder on the roof... later I think I figured out what you meant, but if I'd been reading this as a story sample I'd have stopped after about three paragraphs.

Mystery and subtlety in a story is good, but I felt that you've pushed it so far that I can't easily understand what's happening.

And from my point of view the story was easily understood and not clever at all. What annoyed me were the red sentences added by the writer telling me what they were trying to do when I already got what they were trying to do.

I don't consider myself clever or particularly intelligent, just giving another angle to highlight how subjective and relative the whole story writing/telling thing is. Thing with that is though, like Joe said, doesn't matter how clever the writer thinks they're being, if their target audience doesn't get what they're trying to say, maybe they should think about giving a little more story. Shrug.

What annoyed me were the red sentences added by the writer telling me what they were trying to do when I already got what they were trying to do.

There's a simple explanation for that, Candra. This thread was started in response to feedback given for the story in another thread, and so this isn't the original posting of the story. The original, in all its naked glory, was posted in the LM thread for the theme 'The Caretaker.'

I know that, Bilston Blue. Doesn't change the fact that they annoyed me while I was reading because I didn't need to be told those things.

I don't need the red, but there are a few places that I had to read twice and three times to make out who was talking. And then the end made sense. Or I could just be really slow this morning. The last two sentences for instance, I mixed up the characters and did not at first understand why the ghost, or angel was telling him the boy was not for him? But I got it. I do think it is a good idea to tag every few sentences at least.

Originally Posted by bazz cargo

I could see a change in him. “One thing to think on, it says in the bible ' For Evil To Prosper, Good Men Should Do Nothing.”(Changing from psychological crisis to new purpose and meaning in life).

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Edmund Burke (english philosopher). This quote is up in big letters in The Imperial War Museum (London UK) - I suppose as a put-down to pacifists.

I remember reading your entry for the first time in the challenge and mentally arguing. It cost you Writers' Authority. Maybe Burke plagiarised the bible, but I doubt it.

btw I did like the story. I do like it more on this second read and with its red prompts/hints. But I preferred it with the red clues. They clarified things for me. So, I think the original was too subtle (for me).

Hi Spidy,
glad you dropped by, once I had got over my snit I could see what you saw and I didn't like it. Thankfully you did your judging really well and now I will benefit from it.

What I had thought was a turning point in quality was in fact a crisis point in 'what the hell I was playing at.' Now it is time for me to fess up and move on. I want to get beyond average.

This may seem odd, but the reason I'm working through this crisis in public is because if I did it on my own it would give me only my own perspective. That way lies the easy road to ignominy, I want the hard road to being good.

btw the misquote was a bumbling too far.

Hi JosephB




I think my writing does not benefit from subtlety.

Hi Movieman,
I still think my writing does not benefit form subtlety.

Hi Candra,
Ta for the point. The red was just my way of subtitling, not very efficient but it got my points across, I'm discovering there is more to this lark than having a good idea and knowing where to put an apostrophe.





Hi Eluixia,
Yes, clarity of communication helps keep you in the story, too many 'what the hells' spoil the mood. Trouble is I had tried to end the story with 'he said,' and that didn't work either, it spoilt the mood.

I think just as often as readers miss hidden messages, they'll find ones that don't exist 'Ah, this pop-up book about how much Bob hates grasshoppers is really a statement about man's contempt for nature.'

Hi Isw,
just before 9 11 I read a book in which a Japanese pilot crashed his jumbo jet into the white house, talk about chilling.

The thing about us humans is we are programmed to see patterns, even when they don't exist. Which is a useful tool in any writers hand.

The reason I vomited up this garbage is simple, I seem to find practice at writing makes me less good at it, and I'm opening up my psyche for a good poke around in the hope something will go boing, and all the bull I tell myself will evaporate.

Originally Posted by bazz cargo

The reason I vomited up this garbage is simple, I seem to find practice at writing makes me less good at it, and I'm opening up my psyche for a good poke around in the hope something will go boing, and all the bull I tell myself will evaporate.

My fourth is Luna, and it is the most complex work I have done.

Hmm? You've contradicted yourself

From what I've seen your work improves constantly, whether that be with your SPAG or with your storytelling ability. And I think you know this, you're just caught up in a moment of pessimism. Have you taken one of those blue pills from Chris Miller's Intervention?!