Thread: what do u guys think?

there is a child hiding under the bed, while a man walks trough the room. then we see the man trow his knife into the bed, and there is blood coming from under the bed.

this is the opening line of my slasher story, what do you guys think?

Without knowing more about the story, it's hard to say. I would say that it's a perfectly "valid" opening to a slasher story, but it's much more important what transpires with the plot afterwards.

Guess I would say it's pretty hard-core, seeing as how the killer stabs a child in the very first part of the book! But then again, you did say it was a slasher story...

Needs work. You should be able to rephrase it with less words for a massive improvement. I'd rephrase it, but I think you'd enjoy doing that yourself.

Originally Posted by nikkonolas

there is a child hiding under the bed, while a man walks trough the room. then we see the man trow his knife into the bed, and there is blood coming from under the bed.

this is the opening line of my slasher story, what do you guys think?

A missing capital at the start of both sentences is careless. So is the missing 'h' from 'trough' and 'trow'. No one's gonna judge your lines with these mistakes. If I can spot them on a first read I'm sure you can spot them on a second read and fix them.

The first line is great - it's interesting and I want to read the second line because of it. The second line, regrettably, isn't great and I don't want to read any more because of it. Assuming this is a book and not a screenplay, never use "we see." Also "there is blood coming from under the bed" is a description when it could easily be, and should be, an action - for instance "The man throws his knife into the bed and blood seeps from under it."

Personally, if you do go with the whole child-killer opening, I'd strongly suggest building it up first. If you kill someone in the first two lines of a story - even if it's a child - we really won't care, nor will the "shock value" be anything worth mentioning. It will be obvious and transparent, really. I don't personally suggest having a child die a bloody death at the hands of some killer as the opening for your story, but if you want to do it, at least build it up. You've got a lot you can work with in that scene. Does the man know the child is there? Is the door open? Should the child run? Don't limit yourself by trying to achieve shock value - it's honestly one of the most overrated and overused things in suspense/thriller/horror stories today.

Hope that helps. Also, as spider8 said, you should REALLY double-check your spelling, capitalization and grammar before posting something you want critiqued (or ANYTHING, for that matter - you'll look much more professional and people will take you much more seriously if you put a little effort into it).

From who's point of view will the story be told? If the child's, it will be a really short story. I'm not familiar with the genre. How many slasher stories are told from the slasher's point of view? I would think most are from the POV of the police or of a surviving victim who is in fear of being attacked again. In other words, is your slasher the protagonist or the antagonist? I really don't care. That's for you to decide.

You could preserve your opening scene by making it a re-enactment of the crime by the detectives/CSI guys. Something like the opening scene of every Law and Order episode. A clinical approach like that can preserve the horror of the crime while dispensing with the raw shock value.

I believe Slashers are about 50/50 on what POV they use - either a protagonist, usually young man or young woman, or an objective "god's-eye-view" where the mayhem is related in events which happen to different people, not necessarily one person's story. Some would see this as having the "slasher" himself/herself/itself as the protagonist, but I don't think that's usually the case.

(Posted by someone who neither reads nor watches books/movies in the "Slasher" genre.)

nikkonolas, is it supposed to be the actual opening line? I kind of thought maybe you were just explaining what happens at the beginning of your story, not that those would be the actual words used...

While correcting spelling, check the spelling by the last button in the poll.

Here is what I think. First, I think you should not have made the poll public as it taints the objectivity of the pollsters and it doesn't benefit you as a writer. Not knowing who thought your work sucks will make you work harder as a writer if you can't readily identify the pollster and come to a false conclusion that they are picking on you rather than being honest.

Secondly, I'm not sure what you are proposing.

there is a child hiding under the bed, while a man walks trough the room. then we see the man trow his knife into the bed, and there is blood coming from under the bed.
this is the opening line of my slasher story, what do you guys think?

Why not post the opening instead of a concept. Or is this a script? Here at WF, the best thing you can do is post a snippet and be judged. Folks here won't tear you to pieces and they'll even forgive some grammar issues (Heck they put up with me)

That is what I think. Let's see your work.

Needs a lot of work. It's too quick; there's no build-up or tension that makes me care about whether or not the child's been stabbed or what. It's also blunt, and not in a good way. It doesn't actually read like the opening line of a story - instead it sounds like a brief description of a scene you're actually going to write. It's literally a case of, "He does this then this happens."

Beyond that, the poor spelling and grammar could then really use some work too. Once you've corrected those things, then it'll be more grabbing. Until then, I would not be inclined to read any further than the two lines you've provided.

Originally Posted by VanishingSpy

nikkonolas, is it supposed to be the actual opening line? I kind of thought maybe you were just explaining what happens at the beginning of your story, not that those would be the actual words used...

Yeah, that's the impression I got, too. If that's the actual prose it needs a lot of work. Read, read, read. Write, write, write. That way you'll improve your skills.