Thread: Why were kids unpopular in your school?

Why were kids unpopular in your school?

I'm interested in any age group - I'm just curious as to why certain kids become outcasts and others do not.

For instance, in my high school, kids became unpopular if they started to care about something - the minute they showed in an interest in music, drama, or art, they became ostracized. We were a school that didn't want to try too hard. (Grades and sports were slight exceptions to this rule, unless they were all you cared about.)

But when we were younger, in elementary school, you were unpopular if you were poor or wore ugly clothes to school.

I'm wondering if this is the case everywhere, and it would greatly help me figure out why the character in my story is unpopular. Please help!

Unpopularity in school, at least in my view from those I've read and experienced, comes from maintaining the status quo. Those who are popular are those who can afford the things that majority of the kids perceive as the "in" thing. You become unpopular when you see these things as not the in thing, and focus yourself on other interests. This deviation makes you stand out, no longer a part of that status quo, and that, I believe, will make you unpopular.

I knew some kids that seemed to go out of their way to alienate themselves from the so-called popular kids. On several occasions, I made efforts to include or befriend kids who people considered "unpopular" and all I got for my efforts was a load of attitude. Amazingly, some kids are unpopular because they're unfriendly and surly and resentful of kids who make friends easily. Maybe the attitude I saw was defensive in some cases -- and I get that. They may have been preempting rejection by not seeking the acceptance of the more popular kids.

I knew lots of kids who were into drama and writing and art, and they got along fine with everyone -- and they had their own circle of friends with similar interests too. They just made some effort to get along, and not ridicule the athletes and cheerleaders or people they perceived as the enemy. Don't get me wrong -- "popular" kids can often be cruel and cliquish -- but sometimes the "unpopular" kids bring it on themselves.

Both these answers are extremely helpful. Nor do I think they are mutually exclusive of one another.... Hmmm.
Thanks so much!

Poor hygiene, intraversion, poor communication skills, failure to take interest in popular/"normal" activities/subjects or interest in unpopular or abnormal subjects/activities all lead to ostracism. In short, a lack of charisma and/or confidence is the real killer.

Kids were unpopular at my school for all kinds of reasons. It seemed that (as previously mentioned) an interest in the cultural activities, such a music or art, could be reason enough. Being a member of the school choir was a big "loser" flag. Another reason was not being a wearer of 'label' clothing. I was never raised to wear only Guess, or Levi, or or or. I was raised to wear what looks nice. I remember my first "civvies day" at school (that was a particular day where we were allowed to wear normal clothes instead of our school uniform), I was questioned on where I bought my clothes and why they did not have a label. From that day forward, I made it my mission to wear the most outrageous outfits on civvies days. I was a tomboy growing up and had taken a great liking to skateboarding, so I used to wear men's shorts, with boxer shorts showing over the top and big sweatshirts with a hood, and don't forget the giant skater shoes that make anyone's feet look 3 times bigger. Apparently the "prissie" girls at my school did not like that

Do you know of any group in our society that doesn't pick on somebody they see as a vulnerable or easy target?
Simple fact is that all communities have the hyena personality and the reasons for picking on somebody are too numerous to list.

It depends on how you look at it. If you're talking about school children, the reasons they are picked on fall into a relatively few categories: physical characteristics, physical or mental disabilities, economic status, social development issues or anti-social behavior, perhaps the "different interests" people have mentioned. Maybe race or nationality. Of course, there are lots of variations and combinations of those.

Anyway, he's not asking about "any group in society" is he? He's asking about school kids for the purpose of developing a character.

Originally Posted by JosephB

If you're talking about school children, the reasons they are picked on fall into a relatively few categories: physical characteristics, physical or mental disabilities, economic status, social development issues or anti-social behavior, perhaps the "different interests" people have mentioned. Maybe race or nationality. Of course, there are lots of variations and combinations of those.

You do realize that those broad categories are (in combination to the others listed in this thread) almost every general reason for individuals being unpopular (in school or in adult life). I struggle to think of a single area that applies to adults that can't in some way apply to school age children.

You’re right about that – those do apply to adults as well.

Regardless, the OP asked for input based on experience, so what’s the point of chiming in to just to say the reasons are too numerous to list?

TheFuhrer, Joseph, and Jinxi hit the nail on the head. If you can't afford or aren't interested in whatever the "in" thing is, you're not "cool" enough to be around.

Also, disabilities. I have mild physical handicaps, and walk with a slight limp. It doesn't keep me from doing much, but it is noticeable. My classmates in elementary school (a) thought I was weird, and (b) thought they would "catch" what I had and end up "like that." (Which they couldn't have, since you can't catch Cerebral Palsy.) I was one of the smallest kids, and got picked on mercilessly.

I think this has to do with our ability to feel empathy towards others. The more we differ from the group the harder it is to be understood by others, and misunderstandings cause conflict. I was the kind of kid that everyone hated until they got to know me better, simply because I was stoic and lacking visible flaws (I did well not to let any of them show), so everyone saw me as, well, a snobby jerkass. When I started loosening up a little, I became a little more popular. When I had my first crush my mind became a mess, and people began to see me depressed and moody. Figures I made lots of friends at that time, and I guess it's because they found something they could relate with me.

I've stuck to that, and by just being naive and childish I can both have fun and make friends without much effort.

I think that we humans have a tendency to hate what we don't understand, and that's why kids who are "different" are disliked. In turn, "different" kids cannot understand the normal people, and they dislike them just as much. As we grow, we become capable of understanding people better through life experiences, so our empathy covers a wider range of personalities.

That's what I think, at least.

Originally Posted by JosephB

On several occasions, I made efforts to include or befriend kids who people considered "unpopular" and all I got for my efforts was a load of attitude. Amazingly, some kids are unpopular because they're unfriendly and surly and resentful of kids who make friends easily. Maybe the attitude I saw was defensive in some cases -- and I get that. They may have been preempting rejection by not seeking the acceptance of the more popular kids.-- "popular" kids can often be cruel and cliquish -- but sometimes the "unpopular" kids bring it on themselves.

Or maybe they thought your efforts were weird, came out of no where and a bit patronising. I know I sure as hell did when "popular" kids viewed me as a charity case despite me having plenty of friends that I actually shared interests with. No one likes being treat like a charity case.

Well, you weren't there, so you have no idea how I handled it or what I said. It was private and subtle and not out of the blue as you're suggesting. I didn't get up in a crowded lunch room and invite the unpopular kid over to the popular kids table or make a big show of it.

I had lots of friends across all the various stereotypical groups -- and that included kids who weren't so "popular" -- so there was nothing weird about it. I think I'm pretty sensitive to people's feelings -- I was then too -- and those situations weren't an exception. So nice guesswork -- but you're wrong.

Let me try some guesswork -- maybe in your case the popular kid just wanted to make friends -- maybe saw something in you he or she liked. You'll never know -- because you had already made up your mind it was about "charity."

I am sometimes ashamed of how I acted in high school.

When I was 14 I was a geeky kid whose loves in life were comic books and Star Trek. (BTW, still love both of those things... as an adult I've come to terms with my geekiness.) I met this guy in Spanish class who was pretty popular in the skater crowd. (This was like, 1994-95 or so.) He started talking to me and we hung out, and eventually I made other friends in that group. Of course I started dressing in the baggy pants, skate shoes, wearing the wallet chain, etc. in an attempt to "fit in" with this social group. I was never hugely popular but I had a few close friends throughout high school.

I was never mean or cruel toward other kids, but I would not refrain from laughing at them or poking fun at some of them behind their backs. I definitely was a "follower" back then.