using my errors.

**Olly Buckle** · 05-12-2011, 10:42 PM

Editing I have found places in dialogue where my initial reaction was to re-arrange things correctly, but then I thought “No, that’s in character.” and so used it instead but explained the error, I give you two examples, what do you think?
..........................

“He went out for a walk love, don’t worry, there will be plenty of time; anything in trousers her isn’t it?”
“Oh I dunno he didn’t look too bad, got on alright with Lincoln and he’s no fool, tidy, dresses nice even if it’s not brand new.”
“What Lincoln?”
“No the new bloke, here you’re getting me at it ain’t you? Get out of it.”
......................

Sheila indicated the passage beside the staircase, leading towards the back of the house.
“Down there’s the T.V. room, then there is a toilet block, with bathrooms and toilets, there is one of those on each floor, directly above that one, if you need one.”
Terry considered pointing out that he was pretty certain to need a toilet at some point, even if not one of those particular ones; and that this was lucky, considering the curious circumstance she had raised of their positioning being dependant on his personal need; but he had the sense to stay silent, he knew perfectly well what she meant.

**JosephB** · 05-12-2011, 11:30 PM

I don't see the "error" or how you're explaining it. As it is, the dialog is missing some of the punctuation between complete sentences, and that indicates the natural pauses in speech. The dialog might be "in character," but to me, it's hard to read and doesn't sound natural. Whatever it is you're trying to do, it doesn't really work for me.

**Olly Buckle** · 05-13-2011, 08:23 AM

in the first one, for example Joseph, the original read

“He went out for a walk love, don’t worry, there will be plenty of time; anything in trousers her isn’t it?”
“Oh I dunno he didn’t look too bad, got on alright with Lincoln and he’s no fool, tidy, dresses nice even if it’s not brand new.”

and I was going to re-arrange it

“Oh I dunno he didn’t look too bad, tidy, dresses nice even if it’s not brand new, and got on alright with Lincoln, he’s no fool. ”

A similar thing in the second one.

**The Backward OX** · 05-13-2011, 09:53 AM

I'm with Joseph (for once!) in that I haven't the faintest idea what you're on about.

Maybe it's because the quotes are both out of context combined with the fact that in such out-of-context examples I don't easily follow lower-middle-class speech patterns, but whatever it is, you lost me. Sorry.

The dreadful punchyouasian doesn't help either.

**JosephB** · 05-13-2011, 01:59 PM

Originally Posted by Olly Buckle

in the first one, for example Joseph, the original read

“He went out for a walk love, don’t worry, there will be plenty of time; anything in trousers her isn’t it?”
“Oh I dunno he didn’t look too bad, got on alright with Lincoln and he’s no fool, tidy, dresses nice even if it’s not brand new.”

and I was going to re-arrange it

“Oh I dunno he didn’t look too bad, tidy, dresses nice even if it’s not brand new, and got on alright with Lincoln, he’s no fool. ”

A similar thing in the second one.

The punctuation doesn't work in either example. Here's how you could make it work:

"Oh, I dunno. He didn’t look too bad. Tidy, dresses nice -- even if it’s not brand new. And got on alright with Lincoln. He’s no fool.”

That's just an example -- and it may not capture exactly what you're trying to do. There are different ways to handle the punctuation so that you're simulating the natural pauses in speech as well as separating the independent clauses or complete sentences. Fragments can work too -- if they sound natural. You can do that and still keep the dialog "in character." Otherwise, it's just too hard to read.