Thread: How (not) to obtain a literary agent

How do you get the interest of a literary agent? You've suffered 47 rejection slips plus 99 submissions that were not even acknowledged. (You've discovered that agents don't really read your stuff. They just solicit submissions to soak off the stamps.) Please turn off your computer before reading this. It's wicked...

Step one: spill a drink on an agent at a literary festival. Apologise profusely.
Buy him/her two drinks.
Step two: engage in conversation. Discover their private passion (eg. opera).
Declare a similar interest. Send them an unwanted ticket for the Royal Opera,
that happened to fall into your hand.
Step three: invite them to your daughter's wedding.
Step four: a few months later, mention that you have written a book but you're
worried about eg. a legal issue in chapter 7.
Step five: your new friend resignedly reads your book, resolves the legal
question, discovers your book is delightful and takes you on.

No, I have never done this. But I genuinely know a man who did.

It's far easier, of course, to self-publish your own book. You'll probably make a lot more money too .

99 unacknowledged submissions plus 47 rejection slips...?

Originally Posted by Candra H

99 unacknowledged submissions plus 47 rejection slips...?

Sorry. I forgot to mention those 3 in 100 nice personal replies you received from agents who actually opened your envelope, thinking it was their credit card statement

HA. If you buy them more than two drinks, then I'm pretty sure you can just jump to the end faster!

Originally Posted by kate_lynn

HA. If you buy them more than two drinks, then I'm pretty sure you can just jump to the end faster!

Ha! If you buy them more than two drinks, they won't remember you next day. Or they'll confuse you with Dan Brown and, having lost your business card, will throw themselves in despair out of their penthouse suite.

To Hell with all blood sucking agents. To hell with all blood sucking publushers. Anyone writing with either of them in mind is smearing words in mud. Write for those you love. Write for your children's children, write for your mother or the girl next door, write words that are crying to be heard, write because blank paper loves ink. Write because you must.

Absolutely! Throw away those story writing programs that reduce everything to a 1-2-3 formula and spin out versions of Dan Brown morphed into Little Red Riding Hood! Abandon Polti's 32 Basic Plots! Eschew all pastiches of Philippa Gregory (not difficult; she lampoons herself). The only stories that win loyal followers are those that contain magic. Magic comes from the heart.

You are a writer after my own heart.

I made a list of the pros and cons of self-publishing vs. traditional, and self-publishing won in a rout.

Woodroam - I've dealt with agents and publishers for over 55 years. Because of them I've never had to go out and look for a job, ever.

Agents are not blood-suckers. They earn every penny.

Traditional publishers are in a bad way today, and it's largely their own fault. For years the signs have been there, even in the days of the vanity presses when self-publishing was looked upon as an act of desperation. Today the market has changed, the busines has changed, but traditional publishers have, for the most part, failed to keep up and capitalise on the technology that they could have used to advantage. They could have, but they didn't and instead they are losing control of the industry.

I don't accept that all the writing I've done over the past half century was 'smearing words in mud', neither do I apologise because I wrote to pay the rent and buy the groceries. It's been a good life, but it's the kind of life that few will have in the future.

If my application for another 70 years is approved, I plan to go the epub road exclusively unless an agent calls and says he has a great project he can line me up with that's perfect for me. Agents are great at negotiating contracts, but don't trust them when it comes to horses, women, or whiskey.

Garza,
Don't take my rants seriously. Of course agents aren't blood-suckers. They are hard working people who help others make a living. I owned a small literary press in the '80s so my rant was truly sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek. Great writing comes in many forms from a clearly written bicycle assembly instruction sheet to a timeless literary masterpiece. Writing for a living is a noble profession, one that society cannot do without. My writing in the mud remark merely means that enduring, timeless writing is written from the heart. There is no reason that such writing cannot be motivated by an empty belly as well.

Woodroam - Ah, but your rant was the sort of comment I've had thrown in my face whenever I've met a wannabe Great Literary Writer. You know the kind I mean. They've never sold a line, and when I tell them I'm a journalist, that I write for news syndicates, magazines, and other such markets, they often call me a prostitute and say I'm not a real writer.

Thank you for that line, 'Writing for a living is a noble profession, one that society cannot do without.'

Well, in my experience, so called artists who cry sell-out are often people who don't have enough talent or skill to sell out even if they wanted to.