Thread: Logline Opinions

Howdy all,

I'd post this in the screenplay section but no one seems to go there much these days. I'd appreciated people's thoughts and opinions on the following two loglines. Which they prefer, why, how they can be improved would be particularly useful.

1. After finding their dealer dead, two drug-addled aspiring hit men stumble into a plot to overthrow the boss and discover how quickly the hunter can become the hunted.

or

2. After finding their dealer dead, two drug-addled aspiring hit men get tangled up in a plot to overthrow the boss and turn rogue in an attempt to save their careers, and their lives.

Thanks in advance

BC

Question: Is it their boss, all of them, or just the hitmen's boss, or neither?

Qwerty,

Technically the boss is their boss. I was just a little apprehensive about using "their" twice in the same sentence. I see your point though, there may be some confusion as to whose boss it is, so I should probably be clear that it's their own boss they end up fighting against (as opposed to the drug dealer's - which I take it was what you were angling at?)

Thanks

I'd go with the first option. It sounds more intriguing: hunting and being hunted is infinitely more interesting than saving careers.

I like the first one better, it's not as disjointed and I agree with The Thing about 'saving careers' not being as interesting.

The parts that stuck out most to me in comparison are :

"stumbled into" is more succinct and flows better than "get tangled up in", plus the word 'stumbled' fits with the idea of junkies since it implies carelessness instead of 'get tangled up in' which sort of just implies they are simply victims of circumstance.

"turn rogue" to me doesn't seem to fit with "drug-addled aspiring hitmen", it sounds like it should apply to something more official, where some chain of command, duty, honor and all that is implied so when they go rogue it actually holds meaning, versus there really is no expectation of loyalty from junkie hitmen. To that end, the "discover how quickly the hunter can become the hunted" fits much better with the junkie hitmen.

Gracias to you both The Thing and Sigg. Really appreciate it!

Originally Posted by The Thing

I'd go with the first option. It sounds more intriguing: hunting and being hunted is infinitely more interesting than saving careers.

I second this suggestion.

I know you've spent hours and probably been through a bottle of Jack Daniels nailing this one but here's my thoughts.

'two drug-addled, aspiring hit men' it reads 'lumpy' if that makes any sense. It's either got too many syllables or they're the wrong ones. The flow suffers.

Consider, 'drugged-up, novice hit-men', or other variations to get the syllable count down or the lumps out.

Of your two options, I prefer the first one. However the second one tells the story better...it could probably improve by replacing the last phrase

After finding their dealer dead, two drug-addled aspiring hit men get tangled up in a plot to overthrow the boss and turn rogue in an attempt to save their careers...if they get to live that long.

You've probably tried the 'if' and 'when' options -

If two drug-addled, novice hit men don't find out who killed their dealer and put the finger on the boss...etc

or

When somebody kills their dealer and sets up their boss, two drug-addled...

Hey Qwerty,

No Jack to help this logline, a clear head is required! Thanks for the feedback mate. I agree with what you're saying about it being a little lumpy. I think I'm going to removed the aspiring/ novice element of it. If I don't include the career part of the logline at the end then their rank within that world is probably of no importance.

Thanks for taking the time to look it over.