Thread: My Query-Is there any problems?

Hey guys, I'm confident in this query but I'd really like an unattached eye to look over it. Please let me know if you spot anything punctuation/tense wise or plot/voice wise.
Thank you.

Dear Agent:

Evan Umbra and his friends are training to hunt demons, only thing is, Evan’s half demon himself. If they find out, they’ll start hunting him. There’s also this terrible evil power inside of Evan that wants nothing more than to wreak havoc. If he can’t get it under control, then it’ll destroy everyone. Oh yeah, and there is that demon army that wants to use him to resurrect their all powerful insane god.

Evan was just a normal fifteen-year-old nerd once, well, he thought he was. Everything changed when the poor boy was jumped by a fat-ass spider demon. Emerald flames were suddenly shooting out of his hands and that meant goodbye old world. Evan is found and taken by a demon hunter to their world, where dragons fly, orcs teach you how to fight, and two suns burn in the sky. Evan began learning the many magical arts fine, making a couple of cool friends on the way. He even managed to get a little saucy with the most beautiful girl he had ever seen- hell yeah!

Then the demons came back, triggering an evil magic deep inside Evan when the life of afore mentioned beautiful girl is threatened. What’s more the demon hunter fortress should be secure against demons. That means someone from the inside is letting the monstrous brutes in. When a full blown army is at the gates, just for Evan, he must choose between fighting, thus revealing he is a half demon, and letting his evil power take over. Or give himself up to the demonic horde, saving everyone but himself.

My novel, DEMON HUNT, is an 84,000-word YA fantasy that will appeal to fans of Darren Shan, Cassandra Clare and Richelle Mead. The completed manuscript is available at your request.

all-powerful instead of all powerful I believe...anybody else agree?

It seems that you transition from present to past tense rather frequently...maybe it's just me...

It seems a bit too casual...I understand that your writing is directed towards young adults, but remember that you are writing to an agent, and as such might want the pitch to be a tad more serious. I don't know anything about agents myself, but those are my two-bits...thanks for reading...

Originally Posted by Wil

Hey guys, I'm confident in this query but I'd really like an unattached eye to look over it. Please let me know if you spot anything punctuation/tense wise or plot/voice wise.
Thank you.

Dear Agent:

Evan Umbra and his friends are training to hunt demons. Only thing is, Evan’s half demon himself. If they find out, they’ll start hunting him. There’s also this terrible evil power inside (delete) Evan that wants nothing more than to wreak havoc. If he can’t get it under control, then it’ll destroy everyone. Oh yeah, and there is that demon army that wants to use him to resurrect their all powerful insane god.

Evan is just a normal fifteen-year-old nerd until the poor boy is jumped by a fat-ass spider-demon. Emerald flames are suddenly shooting out of his hands and that means goodbye old world. Evan is found and taken by a demon hunter to their world, where dragons fly, orcs teach you how to fight, and two suns burn in the sky. Evan begins learning the many magical arts (delete), making a couple of cool friends on the way. He even manages to get a little saucy with the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. (delete)

Then the demons come back, (You already said at the start that there's an evil inside him, don't be repetitious) and the life of the aforementioned beautiful girl is threatened. What’s more the demon-hunter fortress should be secure against demons. That means someone from the inside is letting the monstrous brutes in. When a full blown army is at the gates, just for Evan, he must choose between fighting, thus revealing he is a half-demon, and letting his evil power take over. Or give himself up to the demonic horde, saving everyone but himself.

My novel, DEMON HUNT, is an 84,000-word YA fantasy that will appeal to fans of Darren Shan, Cassandra Clare and Richelle Mead. The completed manuscript is available at your request.

Present tense is used for book blurbs of any type.

First problem: "Dear Agent". Know who you're trying to pitch your query letter to. Do your research and identify them by name. It will show that you've got initiative and haven't assumed someone else will do the work for you; that you've identified a specific person to address the query to, instead of sending it willy-nilly and hoping it'll find its way to the proper person.

Second problem: Your letter is very informal. You use words like 'oh yeah', 'hell yeah', and 'fat-ass'. This is not your best friend you're talking to. It's a professional agent who tosses well-written and intriguing manuscripts in the bin daily because someone forgot to follow standard procedure. S/he will take one look at your language here and probably toss the query letter in the bin.

Third problem: Don't tell the agent who the novel will appeal to. Let them make that decision. If you want to mention Darren Shan, Cassandra Clare, and Richelle Mead -- say that they are your inspiration or your favourite authors. Or, alternatively, find out who the publishing house's clients are in your genre and mention that you've chosen this house because you believe your work is similar to some of their clients'. Again, that shows you've done your research and can be the difference between rejection and acceptance.

Cheers for the advice guys.
Yeah, obviously I'll be addressing the agent by their actual name when I send it, and do all the research I can.
The informality is because of the character's voice, not because I'd send a professional letter with that kind of language ordinarily lol.
It probably differs from agent to agent but I've seen many of them say that if the author mentions who they'll novel will appeal to it means they know their place in the market. I think the problem is that there's so much conflicting advice out there because many agents like different things.

I've made a few slight changes, but I think it makes the query just that much stronger. Thanks to all who take a look:


Dear Agent:

Evan Umbra and his friends are training to hunt demons. The thing is, Evan’s half demon himself. If they find out, they’ll start hunting him. There’s also this terrifying evil power inside of Evan that wants nothing more than to wreak havoc. If he can’t get it under control, then it’ll destroy everyone. Oh yeah, and there is that demon army that wants to use him to resurrect their all-powerful insane god.

Evan was just a normal fifteen-year-old nerd once. Well, he thought he was. Everything changed when the poor boy was jumped by a fat-ass spider demon. Emerald flames were suddenly shooting out of his hands and kickass demon hunters were coming to his rescue. Evan is taken to the demon hunter world, where dragons fly, orcs teach you how to fight, and two suns burn in the sky. He begins learning the many magical arts, making a couple of cool friends on the way. He even manages to get a little saucy with the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen- hell yeah!

Then the demons come back, triggering an evil magic deep inside Evan when the life of aforementioned beautiful girl is threatened. Then a full-blown bloody horde is at the gates, determined on capturing the confused and conflicted Evan. He must choose between fighting, thus revealing he is a half demon, and letting his evil power take over. Or give himself up to the demonic horde, saving everyone but himself.

My novel, DEMON HUNT, is an 84,000-word YA fantasy that will appeal to fans of Darren Shan, Cassandra Clare and Richelle Mead. The completed manuscript is available at your request.

Any other opinions guys?

Seriously, listen to Sam W. You may have the next big YA novel that every kid in the US and UK are going to read, but if you send that letter as is, it will never be read by an agent.

First, it is unprofessional to use the language you used. Don't say hell yea in a professional letter. Its disrespectful to the addressee.

Second, take a week and really put some thought into this letter. This is your sales pitch. This letter should be the best thing you've ever written, period.

Finally, it should follow the logical progression of your book/story. Is the first scene Evan training to be a demon hunter, or is he a nerdy high school kid that finds himself face to face with a spider demon?

Dear Agent:

As stated, know your addressee

Start with line that really grabs the readers attention. It should give tons of information in just a few words. Who has the most to loose? Whats the basic story about? Example: A young demon hunter must destroy an insane demon-god before his secret identity is revealed

This all needs rewriting. I'm just going to strike through some things that will jump out at an agent, but suggest you take some time to really edit this letter

Evan Umbra and his friends are training to hunt demons. Does the story start here, or with the nerdy kid in highschool? Don't need to mention his friends. Just say: Evan Umbra is training to hunt demons.

The thing is, Evan’s half demon himself. If they find out, they’ll start hunting him. There’s also this terrifying evil power inside of Evan that wants nothing more than to wreak havoc. If he can’t get it under control, then it’ll destroy everyone. Oh yeah, and there is that demon army that wants to use him to resurrect their all-powerful insane god.

Evan was just a normal fifteen-year-old nerd once. Well, he thought he was. Everything changed when the poor boy was jumped by a fat-ass spider demon. Emerald flames were suddenly shooting out of his hands and kickass demon hunters were coming to his rescue. Evan is taken to the demon hunter world, where dragons fly, orcs teach you how to fight, and two suns burn in the sky. He begins learning the many magical arts, making a couple of cool friends on the way. He even manages to get a little saucy with the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen- hell yeah!

Then the demons come back What demons????, triggering an evil magic deep inside Evan when the life of aforementioned beautiful girl Name???is threatened. Then a full-blown bloody horde is at the gates, determined on determined on?? not correct grammercapturing the confused and conflicted Evan. He must choose between fighting, thus revealing he is a half demon, and letting his evil power take over. Or give himself up to the demonic horde, saving everyone but himself.

My novel, DEMON HUNT, is an 84,000-word YA fantasy that will appeal to fans of Darren Shan, Cassandra Clare and Richelle Mead. The completed manuscript is available at your request.

Sorry for the harsh review, but this needs a lot of work if you really want to be taken seriously. If your query letter is off putting or poorly written, the agent will automatically assume your novel is poorly written too. They see so many letters that they don't have time to investigate a good idea from a guy that writes a mediocre query.

To the op. What about googling query letter templates and see what other people are doing?

Oh I have many times, the thing is many are different because different agetns like different things. I've also heard, and seen, that informal language is perfectly fine in a query as long as it's part of the character's voice.

Sam and riverdog seem to have everything covered in the letter, it was the title that caught my attention, is there a problem, or, are there any problems, but he won't be seeing that. I don't see how the agent can know your language is 'in voice' and not simply over casual, I should take the advice, err on the safe side and formalise it a bit more.

"Don't tell the agent who the novel will appeal to. Let them make that decision" This seems very sensible advice, though there is nothing to stop you giving a nudge such as "I feel the novel is in the vein of ...", he is human and will want to think he is in charge of something if he can't write.

Okay I've been working on my query on another site and my edited version got really good reply's. Coincidentally it's without informal language
Is this better:

Dear Agent:

Eternal war rages between demon hunters and darklings who bind themselves to demons, causing terror and chaos. Fifteen-year-old Evan Umbra unwittingly becomes embroiled in this multi-world war of magic, monsters and warriors.

The shy and nerdy Evan is training to become a demon hunter in a realm where dragons fly, orcs teach you how to fight and two suns burn in the sky. He must learn to harness various sorceries and use them to travel through magical worlds, stopping battles between the many races and tracking down monsters. The problem is, Evan might be a monster himself.


He secretly possesses a dark and terrible power, which only demons can wield. Evan is forced to lie to his friends and the girl he loves, fearing they’ll cast him out--or worse. Things come to a head when a demon army invades the magical realm, claiming that Evan is the key to resurrecting their all powerful god. Evan must choose between fighting, and risk letting his secret evil power take over, or give himself up to save everyone he’s ever cared about.

My novel, DEMON HUNT, is an 84,000-word YA fantasy that will appeal to fans of Darren Shan, World of Warcraft and Harry Potter. The completed manuscript is available at your request.

It is too long. Something like this:

(Agent's Name),

The weakling hunting demons holds a demon of his own. It wants the tender meat, lusts after the prey he calls his friends. What's a boy to do?

My novel, Demon Hunt, is a must read. It appeals to young adults in the vein of(insert other authors) and has prospects for (additional prospect here). I have enclosed a snippet from the first chapter. For a full manuscript, please reply at:

(return address).

---------------------------

Something you should know about query letters: Every line that query letter takes up, the chances of it being descarded or thrown away is multiplied exponentially.

Wil,

I like the second version much better. It draws you in much better than the casual language. But, it is too long. Work desperately to tell the whole story of your novel in one, well phrased sentence, a tag line. Then, when you can achieve that control over your words, that economy of language, expand it to one paragraph composed of three sentences.

Stick with a three paragraph structure. You can check http://tribehollywood.biz.s85513.gri...ery_letter.pdf for some really good advice to compose a good query.

Good luck.

Hey Wil, start with 3 sentences, no more, on what drives your protagonist. Seperate paragraph detailing in 3 sentences how the antagonist will try to stop your protagonist. Finally, you guessed it, 3 sentences on how the protagonist wins. That;s it - that's all an agent requires, except that pesky 2-3 page synopsis.

Originally Posted by Wil

Okay I've been working on my query on another site and my edited version got really good reply's. Coincidentally it's without informal language
Is this better:

Dear Agent:

Eternal war rages between demon hunters and darklings who bind themselves to demons, causing terror and chaos. Fifteen-year-old Evan Umbra unwittingly becomes embroiled in this multi-world war of magic, monsters and warriors.

The shy and nerdy Evan is training to become a demon hunter in a realm where dragons fly, orcs teach you how to fight and two suns burn in the sky. He must learn to harness various sorceries and use them to travel through magical worlds, stopping battles between the many races and tracking down monsters. The problem is, Evan might be a monster himself.


He secretly possesses a dark and terrible power, which only demons can wield. Evan is forced to lie to his friends and the girl he loves, fearing they’ll cast him out--or worse. Things come to a head when a demon army invades the magical realm, claiming that Evan is the key to resurrecting their all powerful god. Evan must choose between fighting, and risk letting his secret evil power take over, or give himself up to save everyone he’s ever cared about.

My novel, DEMON HUNT, is an 84,000-word YA fantasy that will appeal to fans of Darren Shan, World of Warcraft and Harry Potter. The completed manuscript is available at your request.

This is far superior to your first drafts. This is a book I'd like to read.