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Thread: Suggestions please

  1. 03-14-2011, 07:21 PM #1
    MJ Preston
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    Suggestions please

    Defeat ran through him like cold water.

    I need alternative suggestions.
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  2. 03-14-2011, 07:26 PM #2
    BoredMormon
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    Defeat ran through him like the runs

    The cliche metaphor is being crushed
    The true art of writing is saying the most with the least words

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  3. 03-14-2011, 07:32 PM #3
    MJ Preston
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    Nevermind.
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  4. 03-19-2011, 12:34 PM #4
    Arren
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    Quote Originally Posted by MJ Preston View Post
    Defeat ran through him like cold water.

    I need alternative suggestions.
    Defeat enveloped him like a death shroud
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  5. 03-19-2011, 04:06 PM #5
    Bilston Blue
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    Quote Originally Posted by MJ Preston View Post
    Defeat ran through him like cold water.

    I need alternative suggestions.
    How 'bout swapping two of the words. Defeat ran through him, cold like water.
    The sand of the desert is sodden red, -
    Red with the wreck of a square that broke; -
    The Gatling's jammed and the colonel dead,
    And the regiment blind with dust and smoke.
    The river of death has brimmed his banks,
    And England's far, and Honour a name,
    But the voice of schoolboy rallies the ranks,
    "Play up! play up! and play the game!"

    Vitai Lampada (Sir Henry Newbolt, 1897)

    From the Home of Sir Henry Newbolt (a blog)


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  6. 03-19-2011, 04:52 PM #6
    mockingbird
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    Defeat reduced him to a stuttering deep freeze.
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  7. 03-20-2011, 04:34 PM #7
    SilkFX
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    My suggestion is to rethink the entire sentence. Be more specific. What does cold running water feel like on or in a body (going down one's throat, for example)? Specificity is what changes a sentence from forgettable to memorable.
    ...you can never be sure
    you die without knowing
    whether anything you wrote was any good
    if you have to be sure don't write

    from "Berryman," W.S. Merwin
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  8. 03-20-2011, 09:03 PM #8
    AaronTP
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    Why does it have to be a metaphor/simile? "The realization of defeat shook his entire being" would fit nicely. You could even add a simile to that and make it "The realization of defeat shook his entire being like a wind through the woods."

    I don't know...just a suggestion?
    "We have come to destroy you." Davian Thule, Warhammer 40k Dawn of War 2
    "But I need tacos! I need them or I'll explode. That happens to me sometimes...." Gir, Invader Zim
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  9. 03-20-2011, 11:34 PM #9
    MJ Preston
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    Thanks for the feedback folks. I killed the sentence completely.
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