Thread: Revised Query.

Hey, I've revised and cut down my query so it's alot shorter. I think it makes it stronger and sound more action packed.
What do you think? Is it good enough to jook an agent?
Thanks.


Dear Agent,

Evan Umbra is a magnet for magic, macabre powers threatening to take over, and maniacal demons bent on sacrificing himto resurrect their evil god.

Fifteen-year-old Evan’s biggest worries used to be bullies and talking to girls, but demons shatter that old life. He flees to a parallel realm of sorcery and joins the Venators: the peacekeepers of the magical warring worlds and demon hunters in training. He finds close friends in this new, fantastical world, and thinks he might be in with a chance to score with the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. He trains in controlling the elements, dream walking, dragon riding and weaponry with the other demon hunters. But Evan is half demon himself. If his friends discover his secret, the evil sorcery inside that rips the souls from its victims and threatens to take over, they might well start hunting him.

When the demon army invade his new world, Evan must choose between fighting and revealing he is a half demon. Perhaps letting the demon magic take over, or letting everyone he’s come to care about die.

My novel, DEMON HUNT, is a complete 84,000-word YA fantasy available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Why not start by saying - Evan Umbra has been a loner all his short life. Bullied at school, no friends especially girls. One day, after a humiliating chase by bullies, he amazes himself by entering into a parallel realm where his powers are needed. What do you think?

What's wrong with how I put it? Yours is okay but I'm trying to keep the word count down.

Why do you want to jook an agent? Sorry, couldn't resist.

Start with the second paragraph.

Your explaination is good, right amount of detail.

Tell how the story ends. How does Evan resolve his conflicts? Its all well and good keeping your readers in suspense, but not your agent.