Thread: Help with my query.

Hey everyone.
Okay I've been working on this query forever, using many different styles etc. My most recent one is not like a traditional query letter but I really like it.
What I wish to know is if it makes you want to read sample pages and makes the book look exciting, intriguing etc?
Thanks.

Dear Agent,

When emerald flames burst from your fingertips and scorch the hairy flesh of the giant spider demon trying to kill you…you’re just not normal anymore.
This is what happened to Evan Umbra.

When a devastatingly beautiful boy called Arantay captures your attention in a night club, only to conjure a portal and hurl you head-first into a parallel world of magic…you might just think you had too much to drink that night.
This is what happened to Brooke Sky.

For teenagers Evan and Brooke this is how they were recruited into Veneseron, the training fortress for young demon hunters of all races. They become friends and together discover how they possess an array of unimaginable magical talents. They must harness this magic to destroy demons and keep the peace between the warring races across the plethora of magical realms.

Brooke however is far more interested in the super sexy Arantay, trying to figure out if he’s a vampire, an elf or an alien? As her feelings grow for the scarlet haired warrior the threat of his fanatical brother puts her in grave peril.

Evan has problems of his own, if having his first romantic relationship with a girl wasn’t enough, then discovering he may have evil demon powers is sure to set someone on edge. When an entire demon army invade the fortress to capture him, well it seems like his problems are only just beginning.

DEMON HUNT- is an 84,000-word YA fantasy novel available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Hello Wil, nothing wrong with the query, but I would start with the title and genre, word count and audience target then a 1 paragraph query and synopsis if asked for.

Don't start with title and genre. This is a common mistake many first-time authors make when querying. Start the way you have, with an attempt to immediately capture the attention of the publisher or agent with a hook. Your first paragraph should tell the recipient about the core of your story. Who are the main characters, what are they trying to achieve, and what stands in their path. Towards the end of the paragraph include title and genre.

In the second paragraph elaborate on the story further. How does it end? What happens in between? Are there other characters who play a vital role? If so, include them in this paragraph. Don't have more than six or seven lines, however. This is your query letter, not your synopsis.

The third paragraph is about you. What qualifies you to write this kind of novel? What publications have you had? Include them here. Don't make any allusions to how hard you've worked on this novel, the fact that your best friend thinks you're the greatest writer since Shakespeare, or anything which intends to convince the publisher you are good. Let them make that decision.

Your final paragraph documents the word-count. This is where you also say you've attached a synopsis (if they've asked for one), have included a SASE for their convenience, and thank them for their time. Keep it short and sweet. All in all, a query letter should realistically be no longer than a single A4 page.

Cheers guys.
Oh yeah I know the normal method of querying, but I've seen so many successful queries, with the agents comments of it where they say they liked the different approach etc. There's this great sight and it's really helpful to see what the agents think. I'll try and get a link up.

What I wanted to know specifcally is if my query gets any of you to want to read the novel, if not what could i do to improve it. Thanks guys.

Anyone have any opinions?

It's a well written query letter overall, and it's certainly got a very good approach. At the beginning, it draws you in very well, and continues to do so before plunging into slightly finer details. I think this is pretty effective, starting it out with something interesting to bait them in, before telling them the overall plot.
Having never finished a first draft of a proper novel, let alone written a query letter myself, I understand my opinion may not be of the highest value to you, but for what it's worth, it's there.

No cheers Epic, that's some great input, thanks

I hate to be the descending voice here but I found it kind of annoying. I think the use of 'you' felt condescending to me. How would you know what I would feel like with flames coming out of my fingers? What if I were a man reading this and I were teetering on the gay-bar ... I'd never admit to having a young man catch my attention and may even find it offensive. I do agree that it should grab attention first and I like the content but IMHO I'd take out the 'you' references...too personal and open to negative connotations.

Cheers guys, any other comments? It's all really helpful.

Thanks Sam. Invaluable info.

A slightly revised version, please let me know what you think?

Dear

When emerald flames burst from your fingertips and scorch the hairy flesh of the giant spider demon trying to kill you…you’re just not normal anymore.
This is what happened to Evan Umbra.

When an inhumanly beautiful boy named Arantay captures your attention in a night club, only to conjure a portal and hurl you head-first into a parallel world of magic…you might just think you had too much to drink that night.
This is what happened to Brooke Sky.

For teenagers Evan and Brooke this is how they were recruited into Veneseron, the training fortress for young demon hunters of all races. Together Brooke and Evan discover they posess an array of unimaginable magical talents, which they must harness to destroy demons and keep the peace between the warring races across the magical realms.

Brooke however is far more interested in the super sexy Arantay, trying to figure out if he’s a vampire, an elf or an alien? As her feelings grow for the scarlet haired warrior the threat of his fanatical brother puts her in grave peril.

Evan has problems of his own. If having his first relationship with a girl wasn’t enough. Then discovering he may have evil demon powers; darkly different to everyone else at the fortress, is sure to make his life complicated. When an entire demon army invade the fortress to capture him, well, it seems like his problems are only just beginning.

DEMON HUNT- is an 84,000-word YA fantasy story. The full novel is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Check out queryshark.com She can give you some good advice from the point of view of an agent.