Thread: ive recently started writing to get some things off my chest

i am 21 years old and my name is jason elliss im trying to write a book to help me get over some things i witnessed in my life. i want to know some of you can let me know if this is a good opening to the first chapter.



a manifesto of thoughts from a dreamer
i have never really understood the concept of life. starting off with a broken childhood, well better than most kids that grow up in my neighborhood. as far back as i can remeber my parents were always seperated but for some reason always hung out with each other on the weekends.i seen both of my parents everyday because my dad only lived 2 blocks away from me and my mom so it wasnt too hard for my brother sister and me to deal with the seperation. my dad was an alcoholic and my mom was always miserable. for most of my life i dont even remember my mom ever being home. my sister and grandmother pretty much raised me along with my uncle. my parents were just around doing their own thing. as i got a little older all my dads attention turned towards drugs and alcohol instead of his own kids. he use to work his ass off to support us but later on in life he worked his ass off to support his habit. his behavior effected all of us. i started to realize he was never a real father. we never had real father son moments such as playing catch in the yard, showing me how to ride a bike or even having a real conversation with me. there was another person in my life who shared those kinds of sentinmental childhood memories with me, that person was my uncle marc. growing up in fishtown and hanging around my dads side of the family was dysfunctional for a 8 year old. an 8 year old who was forced to get his uncles beers and find them a pack of matches so they can light their ciggarettes. making us stay in the house with them while they partied and i couldnt even go outside to play with my friends i had to stay on the front step. it wasn't right. i was the only kid in the neighborhood who couldnt go to the playground to play unless someone took me over and watched me play. i just wanted to be free from all the rated r content i had to see growing up.
im telling you all of this because i want you the reader to know what pain an 8 year old can feel emotionally to witness such events.

I'm sorry but if you can't capitalize or properly punctuate I'm not going to read any farther.

To answer the question directly, I don't think it's a great start to a first chapter. It reads like a list of facts which you want to tell in your story, but you've just told them, and now need to expand on these and furnish them later in the chapter / book. Also, a reader may not necessarily be interested in a hard luck story if that's all it is. There seems to be one beacon of light in this opening part, your relationship with Uncle Marc, who you say shared your 'sentimental childhood memories.' So, maybe there's a way you could use that relationship as one of the major themes in the story. Written in the first person, the narrator (you) has seen some bad things, been through bad times, and experienced bad relationships and feelings; but there was always that one person who was good, or who cared...

If you need to write this to get things off your chest it can still be a work of fiction. Fictional characters, fictional places perhaps, but the events will still be personal to you. Be careful not to make the piece too angry, it may get in the way of what could be a good story.

Finally, from reading the above passage there are issues with spelling, punctuation, grammar, sentence structure etc. If this is a weak point maybe you could use the writing of this piece to develop these things.

Good luck

Scott

thanks for the feedback scott i appreciate it

sorry about the punctuation i never graduated high school the philadelphia school systems suck

Originally Posted by UnWritten

I'm sorry but if you can't capitalize or properly punctuate I'm not going to read any farther.

You will miss a whole lot if you cannot see past your own prejudices.

Edited to say, I agree with Bilston Blue. And your English punctuation will improve with the pursuit of this story. I can see a novella even, taken piece by piece. Can't hurt to just write everything you can remember though, fast and whenever it comes to you, and use it later in a well thought out story.

I'm not sure if what I said was prejudice or not. I didn't know until fifteen minutes ago that the author of this post didn't graduate high school. It's a rule of mine that if you can't simply capitalize or use apostrophes properly I won't read it. It's personal preference, not prejudice.

its fine unwritten i can understand because you are a very good writer and have never been in my position so i do not hold any type of grudge against what you said about my piece....

but to anyone else....would anyone be intersting in helping me put this novel together... like help me make it make sense to educated people like yourselves

Because I am bored, here is it capitalized and punctuated for you. I also fixed a few minor grammar problems. Read this and read your first post and see if you can see the differences. Hopefully that will you a little.


A manifesto of thoughts from a dreamer

I have never really understood the concept of life. I started off with a broken childhood; well, better than most kids that grow up in my neighborhood. As far back as I can remember my parents were always seperated but for some reason always hung out with each other on the weekends. I saw both of my parents everyday because my dad only lived two blocks away from me and my mom so it wasn't too hard for my brother, sister, and me to deal with the seperation. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom was always miserable. For most of my life I don't even remember my mom ever being home. My sister and grandmother pretty much raised me along with my uncle. My parents were just around doing their own thing. As I got a little older all of my dad's attention turned towards drugs and alcohol instead of his own kids. He use to work his ass off to support us but later on in life he worked his ass off to support his habit. His behavior effected all of us. I started to realize he was never a real father. We never had real father-son moments such as playing catch in the yard, showing me how to ride a bike or even having a real conversation with me. There was another person in my life who shared those kinds of sentinmental childhood memories with me; that person was my uncle Marc. Growing up in fishtown and hanging around my dad's side of the family was dysfunctional for an eight year old who was forced to get his uncle's beers and find him a pack of matches so he could light his ciggarettes. They made us stay in the house with them while they partied; I couldn't even go outside to play with my friends. I had to stay on the front step. It wasn't right. I was the only kid in the neighborhood who couldn't go to the playground to play unless someone took me over and watched me play. I just wanted to be free from all the rated R content I had to see growing up.

I am telling you all of this because I want you the reader to know what pain an 8 year old can feel emotionally to witness such events.

thanks cambyses i really appreciate that

I think your reply to that young lad is a bit mean as he probably had such a poor start in life that the punctuation and grammar wasn't a priority.

Gigarettes , separation

Originally Posted by Kayt

I think your reply to that young lad is a bit mean as he probably had such a poor start in life that the punctuation and grammar wasn't a priority.

I was just trying to help.

Jason - Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are important in making what you write easy for others to read. But they are not as important as the words you put on paper, the feelings, the desires, the hopes, the frustrations that cause you to write.

While you are writing, don't worry about any of the technical bits. Just put down the words the best way you can. What you wrote in your first post was perfectly understandable.

When you are not writing, study spelling, punctuation, and grammar. The best way to do that is to read a lot and pay attention to the way people write. If you are near a community college with an adult education programme sign up for a remedial English course and when you finish it go on to study at a high school level. See if there is a programme that leads to a high school equivalence certificate.

You can develop your ability as a writer by continuing to write, by reading, and by studying how to get the technical bits correct. And let us see the next chapter.

dudes... getting over the grammar, cause i honestly don't give a flyin fudgecicle about it here in forumland, or text, or quick emails... I'm not too sure its a great start, because you're layin the whole river out on the table. You're showing us everything from the seemingness of it. I mean, ... 'a child called it' was really brutal, and the whole time you're reading it your like 'damnnnn this mom's crazy' and then further in your more like 'kill her' and at the end you're like, 'she's still out there!'

It needs room to develop, and personally, there are many kids who think they grew up in the worst possible condition. I mean, i raised my two brothers, and have always been an object to my mother as the replacement born because of my still-born older sister. Yes, the rebound child. Born 14 months after my still-born older sister was delivered. But, if you do have true horror's in your past that you need to be relieved of, do it justice. Develop your family as character rather than the people they are. Charicatures of themselves. A bit more exagerate and over the top. Aloholics and drug users are a dime a dozen and screwed up moms are everywhere. In todays' society pretty much no one is seen as a good or even tolerable parent. But... think about how you saw things as a kid. The empty closet was horrifying, now if you saw it you'd be all, hey... there's extra space in here!

hope i helped